Here I am, Stuck

Note: I will leave the original post, but it should be noted that as soon as I finished typing, Juliet got some good news from her family, and put some other things in perspective. Proof yet again, that even in our weakness, God is our strength. I will leave the original because it was an honest reflection, but for now, things are looking up.

Maybe it's the lack of caffeine and delicious food talking, but I'm feeling stuck. I'm not sure how to define it, other than, I just don't know how to move forward.

Juliet and I have been so blessed lately, and I am thankful for it all. But sometimes I see our checkbook, and I see how much we pay each month for bills and debt, and I dream of what it might have been like to do things different.

With what we make together now we could be riding high, and yet we have so little between checks. We splurged a little for the first time in over six months this past weekend for our anniversary. Otherwise, it's an endless cycle of paying debts that seem to never want to disappear.

I dream of a miraculous erasing of all the debt, and then realize we probably couldn't handle that even if it did occur. We have matured with our money this year, but are still far off from being totally responsible.

We decided to do this 21 days of eating better and not eating out. We are planning meals, and generally eating better. But the cost is my sanity as my lack of caffeine and sweets is putting me in a rather grumpy mood.

Perhaps this is the reason for the mood of the post. I do not wish to ever appear ungrateful for all we have. It is all of God, not ourselves, because if it had been us, we'd be on the streets. God has blessed us directly and through others, but I feel like I haven't given enough back.

I spent countless hours studying and learning early in the year, up until recently, but I don't know for what. In my mind I want to be ready to defend my faith, but when the most common naysayers are relatives or friends, whatever defense I have will hardly break through the barrier.

Relatives and friends know us. They know our secrets and watched us grow. Perhaps that is what is so difficult in trying to witness to them.

I know some understand where Juliet and I are coming from. But if I were to take a poll, many more would be on the opposite side of us. I feel time is running out to reach people. And that statement alone is probably making people think I'm crazy to place so much importance on what they would define as a "religion."

What no one gets, is that it's not a "religion," It's a relationship. God reaches out to us. We cannot do anything to earn his love. Our good works do not propel us further up the mountain of faith. We simply acknowledge that without that gift, we would be nothing.

Juliet and I talk often about how our families must perceive us. Her immediate family at least understands where we are coming from completely. Mine seems split, and even those on our side can shy away if we get too preachy or "intolerant" of other beliefs.

I don't blame them. Christianity is not a "fun" faith. Christ himself said it would be hard, and that even our own families would be against us. It's not that they don't love us. It's that they don't understand how we can place so much value on something intangible. It certainly hasn't erased our monetary debt. We still go to work and pay bills like everyone else. We still get sick and have problems. We still argue over stupid things. Christianity isn't always a feel good faith.

But oh, there are so many times that it can feel great. The knowledge that as imperfect as I am, someone stepped in and forgave me. For all I had done, am doing, or will do. It's not a cop out religion. It's not an excuse to do wrong, knowing we are forgiven.

The splits in the Christian faith have caused many on the outside to look in and only see hypocritical, immoral people at times. I tell them, that's why we are here. Without Christ we are nothing.

I feel sad this past week. I don't know if it's my friends' and relatives' lack of faith. I don't' know if it's the lack of monetary flexibility. I don't know if it's just me wishing I had one more "Monster" drink. I can't figure it out. I brainstormed with Juliet. I don't know what I am supposed to be accomplishing. I am paid well and love my job, but I don't know why I'm there and how I deserved such a blessed position. I don't understand why every check is gone before Friday is over.

I do understand that in reality there should be nothing more important than our walk with Christ. I don't know how to stay in active pursuit with so many distractions around. I do want to use my talents. I don't know how to use them.

I don't know the purpose of this blog. Maybe so that those who normally see the writer of strong faith-based statements can struggle sometimes too. I'm not looking for a pity party. I have my God and I know it will all be fine. I just think the more book knowledge I gain, the less I focus on my relationship with God. And the more I focus on my relationship, the more distracted I get by outside influence. It's just irritating to be honest. I suppose if this is our greatest struggle then we can be thankful. I know there are Christians in the world with much bigger problems than that.

I hear prosperity preaching and I believe it to a degree. It certainly inspired us to get back into our faith. Now I feel like we are growing beyond that happy Christian prosperity message and need more of the teaching that should go with it. To remember that while God loves us and will prosper us, He is also holy and we truly only deserve death. It's simply by his grace that I can even write this. It's by God's grace that anyone even wakes up in the morning. By His grace the sun rises and sets on the just and unjust.

Maybe I feel bad because we had to cut into our tithe to pay some extra bills (or eat our and waste it, I can't remember). Regardless, I feel indebted to God because we were doing very well at putting Him first in our finances, and then failed for a time.

It's easy for most to believe that if we are sinning or not being faithful, God will make bad things happen. The Book of Job points out that is far from the truth. There is no condemnation for those in Christ.

Christianity is just so simple to understand at it's heart that I get irritated sometimes at the naysayers. I don't know if it's their arrogance, or misguided sense of "Making the world right through works, instead of Christ," that gets me more. It simply makes Christians look stupid. It makes us look simple minded. If all we needed to do was hold hands in a big circle and save the environment, then who would bother with the struggles that come with Christianity.

It's about so much more. There is no peace apart from God. We are kidding ourselves to think otherwise. And yes, sometimes it makes me upset. In the midst of trying my hardest to be the best Christian, husband, son, man that I can be, I cannot believe people will question it.

What is it to anyone if I believe in creation over evolution? What is it to anyone if I don't approve of certain lifestyles, or decisions?

I just want to live in a way that I don't have to debate or defend my faith. I want to let it show through my actions. I know in Peter's epistle we are told to always be ready to defend the faith. I suppose all the reading and studying will take care of that for me. But what good is all of the knowledge if there is no heart? What good is it for me to know that info, if I can't use it for something more?

What is the something more? That's my question. Maybe it's the lack of caffeine talking and delicious food talking, but I feel stuck.