I Don't Want to Be A Depressed Christian

*I usually post a cartoon at the top of these, but in this case, the perfect cartoon to fit, is too long to put here* ---Feel free to jump over to this link first: http://adam4d.com/meds/
Then come back. This is probably my most vulnerable post, so bear with it...it's almost 2 posts in one, so take an intermission if you need :)

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I think because there is a stigma attached to Christians who suffer with depression, many will not speak about it. We suffer silently.

It's because our brothers and sisters in the faith, who have not had the struggle, may consider it another pray it away type of thing. If you're taking medicine, you must not have enough faith in God to heal you.

I understand where they would get that idea, but God uses our technology, our medicines, and what we have available to work through us in healing. Every healing doesn't need to be a miraculous divine intervention. There are little healings every day that require nothing but a person willingly swallowing a pill, or getting a vaccination.

Yet, I feel judged by the Christian community, though no one has actually ever said anything directly, it's a tough problem to admit. Heck, I didn't even know I had depression until Juliet pointed it out to me. Then, hearing from other family members and friends, it became clear it is something I've struggled with longer than I even realized.

It seems Fatherhood, grand as it is, has somehow activated it to the point that even I can notice it more prominently than before. I can have a bad day, and sense that overwhelming feeling of what can only be described as "blah". A lack of motivation to accomplish what needs to be done, a silent pondering and staring with no joy to be found. Every day worries compounded to the point of nearly being unable to move.

For me, it seems beyond just taking medicine daily, I combat this with hobbies, (or compulsions Juliet might say), that help get my mind off of it, and make me feel happy. My most recent venture, selling a lot of things that were taking up space on eBay.

My original intention was just to sell enough things to try to buy the new Apple HomePod, which I did. But, some of my old "junk" started selling a bit better than expected, and so I was able to get the HomePod, but also had some extra as well. I gave Juliet a cut, so that my hobby could go uninterrupted, and I avoided using our bank money, other than the occasional shipping envelope or card holders for trading cards.

Now, on the surface, and to me really, this was just a welcome distraction from the difficulty of every day life in Oklahoma. I love being closer to family, I love having a daughter, I even love my job currently. But, the move here destroyed me in a sense. I got a lot of my identity from Austin, as a city, and just knowing and interacting with the people there in my little group. I was more plugged in than even I realized, until we left.

To compound that, we lost Jimmy and Pepa months apart last year, during the point after moving in which if you'd paid me enough money, I would have packed up and moved right back to Austin in a heartbeat. I wasn't settled yet, and I desperately wanted to be back in Austin, where my other family members were spending quality time with Jimmy before his passing. I wanted to see his final shows, to sit with him and talk, all of the things my other cousins and family members got to do. But, while I was in Austin, it's not like we sought one another out for lunch, or family get togethers on a regular basis. If anything, my main familial connection was Jesse and Rachel, since Rachel is one person whom Juliet also loved hanging out with. That rare couple in which all parties can converse and hang out with one another comfortably.

At the time of all this happening last year, my manager was the most empathetic, and helpful person I'd ever known in my years with the company. Our weekly 1x1 meetings, supposed to discuss best practices, instead were a session for me to pour my heart out, and for him to encourage me, and sometimes to just listen. It is a big chunk of what kept me going, knowing that at work, I had support.

But, a semi-break down in November while visiting family in Colorado, apparently brought light again to my silent suffering, when I made a small spectacle of myself with some family members. I came back to Ada with the intention to seek out some counseling.

Medications, counseling, these aren't Christian words are they? That kept playing in my head. How could I, born-again, saved as can be, Christian guy be struggling with these things? Am I really saved? Why does God seem so far away at times? These types of questions plagued me, and still do from time to time. I have finally realized; however, it's me who has been pushing God away. Not intentionally per say, just little by little, bit by bit, edging God out of my life in favor of other ventures, most of them worthless.

At the time I should have relied most heavily on God, I was relying on myself, and a bit of others around me. I realize now, this probably only compounded my struggle. Maybe only another Christian who has felt these things can relate, but it's just that no matter how much I wanted to be closer to God deep down, no matter how much I wanted that hunger for His word I used to have, I could not bring myself to draw near. I beat myself up over it, and am still doing so, though improving and trying to come back to Him little by little.

Was my faith not strong enough, as the name it and claim it crowd might think? Doubtful, I had faith inside of me, but I couldn't seem to get it out, to express it, or even to embrace it. It was this thing that I knew was a part of me, but that I couldn't acknowledge, even when I wanted to most. I think that's how depression can affect a Christian.

I think it's okay if it finally brings us to a realization that we can't do it alone, for the Christian, that we can't do it without Christ.

The thing is, the church, is a hospital, yes, but it's also a rehab center, it's a training ground for fulfilling our purpose in Christ. I just got a bit stuck in the waiting room of the rehab center. I came broken and was healed and brought to Christ years ago in the hospital of the church. I even made it through some rehab (spiritual growth), and succeeded quite a bit up to a point. But, one day, I just sat in the metaphorical waiting room of the rehab instead of letting my growth continue.

Stuck in "rehab" I never made it to the training grounds, where a person can find their true place in Christ and God's plan for their life. I dreamed of it, I even thought of things and talents I had that might be put to use. But, I stifled my own spiritual growth. I take 90% of the blame, laziness and distraction were my desires. But, a chunk of it, is this depression. For, even when I can overcome my 90% blockage against things of God, that 10% still wants to fight me. Even as I write this, I want to cry out to God, and my body and mind are saying no, just go watch TV instead.

The heart of my depressed state, beyond the Chemical imbalances is that I don't believe I measure up to what a "good Christian" would be. And, theologically speaking, I know for sure, there is not such thing as a "Good" Christian or person for that matter. So, why do I stack myself up against others who seem to have the faith more figured out than me? Why do I feel inadequate for not raising my hands to praise, when those around me seem entranced by worship of our Creator? It's not that I don't feel that same spiritual connection, but the emotional side of it just doesn't seem to come out as easily for me.

I've turned my Christianity into a logical thing, book learnings and theological pursuit, but I've lost track of the emotional transformation that comes from being made whole in Christ. I want that back, if I ever actually had it. What good is the knowledge and logic, if there is no empathy towards others? If there is no all encompassing desire to dwell in the presence of my savior?

There is, but something else blocks it daily. Again, I'm a depressed Christian, and if that sounds contradictory, maybe it is. It certainly makes me doubt my salvation way too often, considering I've been assured and seen that assurance play out many times. I think I'm simply struggling to reach the "meat" of spiritual food Paul speaks about, and still enjoying the milk too much. The one foot in, one foot out approach. It wasn't always like this, but a long dry season of distraction and other pursuits, has left me stuck here. I wanna get out. I want my God, I want His presence, His word to permeate me again.

But, I don't want others judge me. I don't want my family to debate me on things, or to get stuck in arguments with friends who disagree. Yet, Jesus even said those things would happen. If I could just get to a point of understanding who I am, and not worrying about what others will think of me...I care too much about what others think. Raising my hands without feeling awkward, stating the truth of the Gospel without fearing the loss that could bring someday in terms of earthly things. If I could just step out, God can use me for great things.

That's my prayer. I want it, I desire it, I don't know how to break through the wall to get it. He is with me, I feel the Holy Spirit with me even as I type, encouraging my heart, telling me it's going to be better. I believe that, I trust that. I'm just tired of losing my joy to depression. I'm tired of being selfish, of being sympathetic, not empathetic. Of caring more for myself and my comfort than for others. That's not a Christian way to be.


-------I found some hope today-------

Today, we were raking leaves in our yard, and as I watched them pile up, I noticed all around that the neighbors yards were also bombarded with fallen leaves. And, something possessed me. It wasn't a desire for acknowledgment, it was this overwhelming sense that I needed to do something for someone else, without any expectation of a return on that.

So, in my frenzied state of physical labor, I raked all of the outer edge of everyone's backyards, and moved the leaves into the tree line about 20 feet from there. It took many trips, two rakes holding a pile and walking it over. But, I felt alive for the first time in awhile. I felt useful and productive. I felt helpful, and like I was finally doing something that wasn't for my benefit- other than getting the fresh air and exercise. This may be a key that I've found to unlocking my ability to help, and put others first. Physical labor is not my favorite thing to do, but today showed me that I can be unselfish. I can do something out of a desire to help others, not myself (though I did rake our yard too). I'm not even writing this to boast on it, as many who have read this far will understand, this is to remind myself, that God is pushing me, and instead of pushing back, I need to ride along with Him.

Growing pains are painful, but the end result is reaching potential, growth. God prunes branches, a painful process if the fruit could feel it, so that they can bear more fruit. Struggle and trial brings us to a place of acknowledgment that without Christ, without our creator, we cannot do it ourselves. We can fight and try, and struggle for years, and still not be satisfied. I finally got that taste of satisfaction again today, that I hadn't tasted since probably 2014 if I had to guess. 4 years of knowing God, but being too tired or lazy to seek him further. 4 years of stifled growth, all the while using my gifts to at least hope to lead others in their walk through music. Yet, how hypocritical that felt.

Matt told me once while I was leading that if I was going to get in the way of God moving in the worship, God would just have to move me out, and get it done anyway. The concept being because I had over planned some things, to the point that I expected a certain result, and it would inevitably not come out the way I expected. God would move in those moments where I just let Him move.

This isn't a confession, this isn't a cry for help, though I'd love some encouragement. I need friends, I need trusted Christian people whom I can reach out to and ease some burden. Juliet and I can do so much, but I think an outside source, an accountability partner, someone who can encourage us, is necessary. So, I hope, now that we've found a church home in Ada, I can be in a better place to meet and find those people.

They're surrounding me already I'm sure at Wesley, but I don't want to let the college kids down by showing that a middle aged person can still be struggling to figure it all out. Not that they would judge it, but in a leadership position, I find it harder to be vulnerable. Not for fear of losing that position, but for fear of hurting someone else's growth with my own idiotic need to stay lateral and not grow.

Perhaps these thoughts are better for a journal, as I doubt anyone will read this far. But, I'll put it out there, for the right person or people to see, who maybe find it encouraging to them to know a fellow brother in the faith struggles. Or, maybe even to use it to encourage me. If I'm going to have this disease of depression, I need to at least fight it, and not let it overtake my joy in the Lord. Medicate it with pills and counseling for the physical side, but medicate it with God's word for the spiritual side too.

It feels good to share this, I know things are starting to align, and Ada is starting to feel more like home. But, I don't get out of the house with only 1 vehicle and work from 1-10pm. I can't take Juliet to work, and I have Hannah all morning with me. So, cabin fever is getting me on this new shift. I sure would love some encouragement on that, someone to let me know I'm not just a body trapped in a house all week. Though, I love my time with Hannah, and our schedules not aligning is probably best for her, since she always has 1 parent with her at any given time.

I suppose that's it for now. I am going to watch some TV, but not to escape what I've just written. I am easing my way back into things. I probably don't need the TV, but it's what I know for now. God help me come back to you, though you never actually left me. Let me desire you and your word again, with the same hunger and devotion I've given to the worldly things these past few years. You know writing is where I can express myself best, You've heard these thoughts in my heart already, here they are in black and white to help me stay accountable, and hopefully for you to use to encourage others, or bring me encouragement as well.

Thanks be to God, who is with us in our weakest, and loves us with the same fervor and devotion as when we're strong. Who speaks the truth in love, and doesn't let us sit idly in our sin, but calls us out of it. Who doesn't throw a stone, but who also encourages us to go and sin no more. May He pull me out of the muck I've dug myself into these past years, and bring me to my purpose, and to bring me back to my desire to use my gifts and talents all for His glory, and the spreading of the Gospel.