What to say, what to say? It's been hard sitting down to write for quite some time now. Some of it has to do with this mostly being a spiritual blog, while I have been going through a spiritual dry season for over a year. Some of it's lack of motivation, or just lack of any new insight worth sharing.
It's a case of unwanted writer's block. I want to sit down and write, but I have trouble eliminating other distractions long enough to sit and do it. I'd love to write a novel, or a Christian non-fiction book (which I have actually started and never finished), but it's just an investment of time that gets eaten up by reality TV, and other obligations.
Try as I might, I can't seem to fight the apathy towards accomplishing what I want to do. Some of it may be the depression (and a newly discovered case of severe anxiety), but I don't want to blame that for everything, as it's also my fault for not pushing myself.
I've had a month away from work to get better, adjust to new medicines, and what I had hoped would be time used to accomplish some things. As it stands, I've done little other than binge watch TV in my free time. I suppose that's alright in the sense that it made me feel happy/satisfied for a period of time, and in that way helped me focus on something besides my anxiety/depression. The new medicines seem to have kicked in well now, and I'm sure I'll be ready for work next week when I go back. Or, I hope I will.
It's hard to say how I'll react in any situation before I get into that situation. The anxiety that Hannah's ER visit in April brought me, has been a thorn in my side for months now. It's only recently (with help of the meds) begun to dissipate in a way that I can functionally interact with Hannah without being worried every second she's going to have another seizure, or choke on something. If that's all I gain from a month away from work, it's worth it, as interacting with her is as pleasure, and the anxiety was keeping me from enjoying the moment with her.
We've done some swimming lessons, gone on a few walks, been to the park (before it got so hot outside), and stuck to our normal routine, but I've felt less worried and more present for each of these things, than I did prior to taking new medicine, and taking some leave from work. It helps to be able to have full focus directed at battling the anxiety, instead of spending time working and worrying, which was a bad combination.
It had got to the point I couldn't sit at my desk and work without worrying if something was wrong with Hannah in the next room. I watched her nanny cam feed constantly, and worried if she so much as coughed or moved weird. This was what the worst of the anxiety was doing to me, and it was the first time in my life I've experienced that.
Depression was my battle, even as recently as my previous blog post. The anxiety is a new beast, that thankfully is being fought off well pharmaceutically.
Though, in my heart, I wish I was fighting it off spiritually as well. I've reached a block where even sitting for 30 minutes and reading the Bible is a chore. In 2012/2013 you couldn't tear me away from reading and studying the Word, so it's an odd change of events. Thankfully, Juliet has found her stride spiritually, and I am able to glean bits and pieces from her new found spiritual focus. But, she's still completing Bible plans while I'm watching the latest episode of "Below Deck," so there is room for growth.
Part of me is tempted to release a bit of what I've written for my book idea, to get feedback, and some constructive critique to help motivate me to get back in pursuit. But, in the past when I've tried this, people have not bothered to read it. Maybe if I post it here (and pray no one steals it), I'll get more solid feedback. That sounds more and more like a good idea.
The general concept is "A Dangerous Faith" and discusses things that Christians could fall into like hypocrisy, backsliding, or fighting with other Christians. Each chapter (Or pamphlet as they may turn out), is the "Danger of ____". My most complete work so far is the "Danger of Hypocrisy", so I may post it for viewing soon. I think that, more than anything would help motivate me.
So, stay tuned I suppose, for an excerpt or two from my writings that are separate from the blog.
Appreciate the readership, check out past blog posts for a more insightful version of myself back when I was writing almost daily, and really churning out the spiritual insight.
-Chris
You know, spirituality is not all about the technical bits and knowing all the right verses at just the right time and quite frankly, this is exactly one of the things it is good for. Obviously as an avid atheist, I can’t point you to a verse that would change your life or anything like that. What I can offer though is an outsiders perspective. One aspect of atheism that I see in most of the atheists I know is a sense of loneliness and often conflict over pragmatism and nihilism. which usually just manifests as snarky sarcasm and introversion. I also notice that many atheists are constantly starved for connection to others and a sense of purpose. They compensate with all sorts of different things like meditation, yoga, Pilates, meetups, drum circles etc. In many cases I have even seen otherwise critically thinking realists turn to garbage science like essential oils and crystal powers and astrology just for anything to improve their mental well-being.
ReplyDeleteAs a religious person, you shouldn’t need any of that. You have prayer, communal music making, common understanding and church friends and family. These are the only things I miss from my old faith. My suggestion would be, back up, get out of the weeds of trying to know and interpret all the details of everything existential, focus your neurotic attention to detail energy on a helpful job skill or hobby, and take advantage of the perks of being inexplicably unable to shake faith in a higher power and go to service with your eyes closed and heart open. Feel the love of your family and community and have faith not just in some Santa Clause in the sky, but in yourself and who he has made you (*alledgedly) and take the time to feel the presence of your family and friends in your life.
When it comes down to it, our opinion on the big questions of life don’t matter. Nobody really cares. It’s like that scene in the office, when Michael “declares” bankruptcy, that’s just not how it works. You don’t just declare a belief really hard and experience bliss or pain accordingly. Our bodies are trying to die all day everyday. You fight it every day by eating and breathing and healing. The same is true of our minds, you have to constantly feed and heal your mind with peace and love and remember to show kindness to ensure that you contribute to the mental health of others as well. A church should be a great resource for most if not all of this. If not, try another. You are in the Bible Belt after all.
I am not superstitious at all, but I had a dream that you drowned trying to save someone who was stuck in a storm in the ocean and I couldn’t save you because I had gotten too fat and old, so it was weird to read this post this morning. To be fair, we went to see Adrift last night, so that was probably a big part of it. Haha, love you man, stay safe out there and remember kids are really hard to break most times. You are more than cautious enough for all of us.