2018: A Year in Review

2018 got off to a great start, and is nearly over with that same great feeling. The in between, at times wonderful, at times scary, and at times, a low point, but ultimately all worked together.

January kicked off with Hannah's first birthday and a celebration with family and friends. It's hard to believe how much she's grown now in just 12 months. She's so wonderful, and watching her grow has been exciting.

February and March as I recall flowed along just fine, nothing too wild. We began going to Crosspointe at that time if I remember, and that alone has led to 2018 being one of the best overall years in memory. Having a church family is such a crucial part of our lives, and when we are ever temporarily without, there's a definite feeling of something missing.

April is where we got our first scare with Hannah having a febrile seizure (not as dire as we thought at the time), and roseola rash afterwards. It began as a fever and escalated quickly. The shouts from the other room while I was working in my office, and the panicked rush to the ER are seared into my brain, and I honestly with they were not.
Because of April's scare, the following months were pretty rough for me.

Most expensive photo ever, but worth it to make sure she  was okay.

I developed severe anxiety over the incident. I was still working 1p-10p with Juliet working part time at the vet, so I had Hannah every day from 8a-1p, and Juliet would take over when home. I was so distraught and anxious over the ER visit, that most of May and June were spent parking Hannah in front of the TV, while I monitored her from the couch, looking for the slightest hint of danger, and barely letting her go outside or do anything remotely "adventurous" for fear of an incident.

It was all me, but I think May through the middle/end of June were some of the lowest and darkest points of my life. The depression which I had already had for years, got stacked in with the worst anxiety I'd ever experienced, and I basically became a sleeping, eating, worrying shell. My personality and everything were hidden under the veneer of fear and worry I built for myself.

But, thankfully, I work for a company which values its employees' health and work/life balance enough to offer the benefit of paid time away for health. By using our Employee Assistance Program, and benefits, I was able to take a month off to adjust to new medicines I had received after visiting a psychiatrist about my anxiety. The paid month off was probably not as relaxing as I'd anticipated, as much of it was adjusting to new medicine, and trying to figure that out, while still gradually decreasing in anxiety (which wasn't fully gone yet). But, it helped to be away from work, not worrying about money or my job when I got back, and focusing on my health.

And, I think that's what kickstarted the rest of a stellar year. Despite that down point in the middle, by time August rolled back around, and the Wesley worship services kicked back in, I was a new man, and Hannah was no longer my anxiety prisoner forced only to watch tv and not play too hard while she was with Dad in mornings.

I also got back on a day shift (always forget how much better this is after doing nights for awhile), and Juliet, who had sensed a calling from God for many months prior, finally took the leap of faith and quit her part time job to be a full time mom to Hannah during her developmental years.

Because of our membership at Crosspointe, we also began developing more relationships outside of ourselves during this time. We began connecting with like minded believers, and Juliet basically became an essential volunteer for various things around the church. I continued with the Wesley, and found myself more motivated than ever with a full band setup, and song lists planned ahead to avoid last minute worry.

Crosspointe Ada Logo

The manager I had during my low times this year, is also my manager now, and he has been a huge support, and continues to be now, which keeps me able to work well and do a good job, while still focusing on family and home.

We learned something else this year, a tidbit I'll continue to share with anyone willing to listen. Our pastor did a 6-8 week series on managing money as a Christian- not to encourage us to give the church money- but to encourage us to view our money from God's perspective, not a worldly perspective. Yes, tithing is involved, but the idea is more that we learn to become cheerful givers, outside of tithing. That we look for opportunities to reach out or to share our time, talent, finances, or other things to help those around us.

It starts, though, with a step of faith which Juliet and I have known about for years, but only practiced off and on. Tithing. For the Christian, you can argue that a tithe is not "required", but I've learned over the years this is a pretty shallow argument, and usually just a way to hold on tighter to our money. The concept which has really brought the idea back into focus is that 10% of our income, anything gained whether it's money from paycheck, family, etc... 10% off the top is God's. No questions, it's done. What's left, gets diligently used towards bills and needs. And, ideally, with some left over, we look for opportunities to be a blessing to others, not by just giving money (though that can be one option), but in other things too.

The key to this is that by putting our faith in God up front, saying "here is a portion of what we have, we know You don't need it, but we are giving this to You out of faith that you will provide for our needs," has been revolutionary. And yet, at first, it wasn't easy. I think the expectation- due often to the false prosperity gospels that permeate culture- is that you tithe so that God will rain down money from Heaven. And, that's not the concept at all. Not to say it can't happen, but that's not why you do it.

The tithe, which should be put towards the church at which you are a member, is creating a foundation of giving that helps release the grip that money can have on our lives. And, for the first couple weeks, we tithed diligently, and God provided. By "provided" I mean God provided exactly what we needed to get by and nothing more. Our worldly minds were tempted to think the tithing was a bad idea. We could have used that extra money for things. But, despite having near $0 in the bank a couple of times this year, we always had diapers, food, gas, and whatever else one would call a "need."

By faith, we pushed forward, and gradually now we are seeing that in trusting us at first with a little, God has now begun to entrust us with more. We're not sailing on yachts by any means, but we've managed to have our needs provided for, get Christmas gifts for our family, fix some vehicle needs, pay off some excess debt, and still comfortably get by and pay our bills on time. Money isn't raining down from the sky, but God has provided in little ways consistently. And, this considering we lost about $600/month in income when Juliet left her part time job.

I mention all of this to say, in doing this small step of faith in our Christian walk, we have also grown in our trust of God. Had this been our level of trust earlier this year, perhaps the anxiety I experienced would not have been so intense. However, even if that wasn't the case, and the anxiety would still have been there, it was as Paul said to the Corinthians that we go through trials of various kinds so we can help others who are experiencing the same things.

What I've experienced this year, from the high points to the lowest points has only further verified for me that God is in charge, and that our ultimate goal in all we do, should be to bring Him glory. Call it religious brainwashing, or pie in the sky, but for anyone who is a Christian, it should not sound all that unusual. It's what is preached constantly, and yet, something we often fail to see.

For many, and for us, the limitation of this trust was overcoming our battle with money, and our desire to constantly have more. Money is not inherently evil, though the love of money can lead very easily to reliance on self versus God. For a non-Christian, this lines up just fine with their worldview, and I can understand why this would seem silly, or maybe pouring money into a "broken system" where pastors drive luxury vehicles while the poor starve. But, that's not the case, and looking past the headlines that emphasize these occasional Christian missteps (rather large at times), we see that the concept of being a cheerful giver is the under arching principle. Helping others when we're able. Even if the bank says $0, there is always something we can do to be a blessing to someone. It's not always about money, but when we are responsible with a little, God can trust us with more.

Money is not my theme of the year, but I think it's a concept that so often drives our perspective of the year's events, that it's important here that I point out our success with learning to become cheerful givers and diligent servants of God, balancing the need and the want, yet still leaving room for the occasional gift or splurge. For example, Hannah's seizure required a helicopter ride to OKC that was going to be $46,00 before insurance. I knew we wouldn't have to pay that amount, since I have insurance, but I knew it would still be costly. Yet, I continued to trust God that it would not be such a huge burden to add to our existing debts and bills. Months went by as the insurance company and helicopter place negotiated. When the final bill came, we owed less than $2000. And, while that's still being paid gradually, I didn't want to let that burden of a bill ruin our year, or lead me to believe it hadn't been worth $100,000 if that's what it took to make sure Hannah was okay.

Ultimately, this year, Trusting God, being with family and friends, loving those around us, being a blessing where we can, are the things that make a year great. We're closing out the year on a high note, yet we understand more fully now, that even the occasional low note is not the end of the story. It's simply one chapter that once passed, will yield a lesson or some good. We may live in a sin-tarred world, and bad things may happen all of the time, but God works out all things for the good of those who love Him. Though sorrows may last through the night, the joy of the Lord comes in the morning.

Here is to a blessed 2019! I'm excited for its possibilities, and trust God will provide and be with us every step of the way.

God Bless, friends!

If you're in Ada on a Sunday, we'd love you to come worship with Juliet and me at Crosspointe Ada. Services are 9:00 and 11am. All are welcome, and will feel welcomed once there, I am sure of it!

 https://www.crosspointeada.com

Musical Adventures

Black & White Stare- Very serious process

A year ago today, I got the opportunity, thanks to LeeAnn Swanson (mom) and her generous birthday gift, to have 8 hours of recording at Cedar Creek Recording in Austin.

This was the studio my uncle Jimmy was partner in, and where (as I understand) he recorded most or all of his albums.

To really make it memorable, I played my grandma (Mema's) Alvarez acoustic that she used to strum her 3-chord songs on at the Gospel Barn.

The Alvarez

I had limited time, and a major sinus infection (taking Alka Seltzer dissolvable tablets to temporarily offset some stuffiness- these are great by the way for quick release).

My main goal was to get my newest song at the time "Street Corner Salvation" down with an acoustic/vocal track, and some lead fills (which Jesse LaFave kindly played on his resonator guitar).

My best friend Tyler got to come hang out that day, and as a tribute to a song we had written together in college, I recorded it as well. That is "Open Your Eyes" and it's the only one I did as a piano recording.

My crowd favorite "Fade Away" and two Jimmy LaFave cover tunes "Vanished" and "The Open Space" rounded out my time.

I knew with wife and baby, living in Oklahoma now, this might be my one chance to record, not only at this famous spot for family music, but at all in terms of finances.

Though a quick day, I mostly accomplished what I wanted. I added a few minor things to them from home when I returned to Ada, but the majority of the tunes that day were done with pro equipment in a pro setting.

I would love to do this more often, or even do a full album with a backing band in a studio, but who knows when that will be financial possible.

This seems to be my musical predicament. Though I play weekly leading worship at ECU Wesley, and any other chance I get, gigs and recording time are few and far between. The gig at the Grandview in Ada for the PAWS Animal shelter event was great, and has received some good attention on Facebook this week.

Mic check 1, 2

I'm most comfortable on a stage, singing, in front of people- playfully bantering between songs (as Jimmy used to do), and just enjoying my time. I'll continue seeking more opportunities, and hopefully someday I can find the means to do more pro recording. In the meantime, I've not done too bad with GarageBand and some ingenuity over the years (Apple EarPods make a quick microphone if you add effects to it after).

Keep a look out on the Chris Byers Band page for FaceBook as I hope to post a bit more. I'd love to do a weekly video of me just playing some songs I know- so I'll try to work on that. Juggling work and toddler make it tricky sometimes to find the time.

Thanks for reading, I need to start writing here more as well. I'll have a post based on a message I'm giving at the Wesley on Nov 26th most likely, so stay tuned.

Smile- must have been a good take!

God Bless!
CB

Mixed Fabrics, Bacon, and Prostitutes

One big argument people like to toss at Christians is how we don't follow all of the laws of the Bible, but only promote/adhere to some. Usually it's something like,

"You say it's bad to visit prostitutes, but you wear mixed fabrics and eat bacon. So, you don't even follow all of the laws in your Bible."

Allow me to share some insight, and break down this simple, and really groundless accusation. For professional scoffers, this won't help much as they've likely hardened themselves against anything Biblical anyway. But, for those curious as to why the accusation of us not following an Old Testament ceremonial law, but still following a moral law is a shallow at best, let me say just a bit.

Biblically speaking, the Old Covenant (Testament) is just as important to Christians as the New Testament. It reveals Christ in its pages, even before he officially comes on the scene. It also shows that if left to our own devices and laws, we can never be fully "good" by the standard of the law. The one who comes along and lives a sin free life on behalf of us, so that we may have forgiveness for our inability to uphold God's law, is Christ (God in flesh, fully God and fully man - Philippians 2:5-11).

Therefore, when we place our trust in the finished work of Christ, and believe his sacrifice has paid for our sin, we are forgiven, made new in Him, and given a clean slate, which remains clean as Christ's forgiveness is for sins past, present, and future.

Now, with all of that being said, a Christian should still strive to obey God's commands. We may fail at times, and Christ's forgiveness picks us up and admonishes us to go forth and sin no more, but we are not to completely ignore God's moral standard.

Old Testament Israel was a nation set apart by God, and given specific instructions because of that, so that God could dwell with them. A Holy and Just God (yes he's loving too as revealed more in the New Testament), cannot be in the presence of sin. So, to provide a means for His chosen people to still fellowship with Him, Israel was given 3 types of law to obey. The Ten Commandments are mentioned frequently, but in reality there were hundreds of laws in these categories given to Israel in Moses' time.

Since they would be a nation apart from other nations, they needed Civil Laws. That is, they needed laws that would let them function as a society. What to do if someone stole an ox, or how much someone owed for damaged property. Those types of things.

In addition they were given Ceremonial Law. The primary purpose of these laws was to allow them to draw close to God, and to have their sins forgiven, primarily seen by animal sacrifices. Ceremonial laws also included some the favorites for non-Christians to pick at, like not wearing mixed fabrics, or dietary restrictions.

Finally, God gave His standard of morality, and specifically addressed moral living for someone of God- The Moral Law

When Christ comes on the scene, He consistently acknowledges the moral statutes of God, and even elaborates on them, letting us know that standard does not change, and is absolute. Matthew 5 and Jesus's Sermon on the Mount contain most of His statements regarding moral laws and their continued applicability. Here are a couple of the more well known ones:

“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart" (Matthew 5:27-28).

"You have heard that it was said to those of old, ‘You shall not murder; and whoever murders will be liable to judgment.’ But I say to you that everyone who is angry with his brother will be liable to judgment; whoever insults his brother will be liable to the council; and whoever says, ‘You fool!’ will be liable to the hell of fire. So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift."
(Matthew 5:21-24).

Christ is the fulfillment of everything the ceremonial laws stood for, which means the ceremonial laws for being clean and unclean were fulfilled, and no longer applicable after Christ. So, if I want to wear a cotton polyester mixed shirt while eating bacon, Christ is cool with it (and let's be honest, Jesus approving of bacon makes you like Him just a bit more doesn't it?)

"Therefore let no one pass judgment on you in questions of food and drink, or with regard to a festival or a new moon or a Sabbath. These are a shadow of the things to come, but the substance belongs to Christ." (Colossians 2:16-17)

 "And he said to them, 'Then are you also without understanding? Do you not see that whatever goes into a person from outside cannot defile him, 19 since it enters not his heart but his stomach, and is expelled?' Thus he declared all foods clean" (Mark 7:18-19).

Also, because the Gospel was to go out to the Jews first, and to the ends of the earth (non-Jews as well), the Civil laws for living in a Theocratic society like what Israel had originally needed, also went out the window. (Though there was some practical wisdom still found in some of these laws, Christians are not bound to them in the same way as Old Testament Israel).

Much of the Book of Hebrews in the New Testament also goes to great lengths to show that Christ is the fulfillment of the past ceremonial and civil laws, and that Christians are no longer bound by them.

But, Christ (and the Apostles later in their epistles) tells us we are bound by moral law. We still cannot go out to a prostitute, or engage in other sexually immoral behavior. We still cannot gossip, spread lies, steal, or murder. These are God's unchanging moral standard to which all are held accountable.

So, the scoffer should learn to clarify the types of laws they are accusing us of breaking. And, the Christian should continue to abide by God's commands, and strive not to give ammo to non-Christians by engaging in questionable moral activity, even if one's motives are seemingly pure.


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John Piper has a nice article that elaborates a bit more, so check out:
How Christ Fulfilled and Ended the Old Testament Regime

Here are a couple of scriptures he points out to help clarify the issue (These are John Piper's bullet points copied over for easier reading, not my own words):

• Christ fulfilled all that animal blood sacrifices were pointing towards: Hebrews 9:12
• The Priesthood that stood between worshiper and God has ceased: Hebrews 7:23-24
•  The physical temple has ceased to be the geographic center of worship. Now, Christ himself is the center of worship. John 4:21,23; Matthew 18:20
• The food laws that set Israel apart from the nations have been fulfilled and ended in Christ. Mark 7:18–19
• The people of God are no longer a unified political body or an ethnic group or a nation-state, but are exiles and sojourners among all ethnic groups and all states. Romans 13:1; John 18:36 

Must...try...writing...something...

What to say, what to say? It's been hard sitting down to write for quite some time now. Some of it has to do with this mostly being a spiritual blog, while I have been going through a spiritual dry season for over a year. Some of it's lack of motivation, or just lack of any new insight worth sharing.

It's a case of unwanted writer's block. I want to sit down and write, but I have trouble eliminating other distractions long enough to sit and do it. I'd love to write a novel, or a Christian non-fiction book (which I have actually started and never finished), but it's just an investment of time that gets eaten up by reality TV, and other obligations.

Try as I might, I can't seem to fight the apathy towards accomplishing what I want to do. Some of it may be the depression (and a newly discovered case of severe anxiety), but I don't want to blame that for everything, as it's also my fault for not pushing myself.

I've had a month away from work to get better, adjust to new medicines, and what I had hoped would be time used to accomplish some things. As it stands, I've done little other than binge watch TV in my free time. I suppose that's alright in the sense that it made me feel happy/satisfied for a period of time, and in that way helped me focus on something besides my anxiety/depression. The new medicines seem to have kicked in well now, and I'm sure I'll be ready for work next week when I go back. Or, I hope I will.

It's hard to say how I'll react in any situation before I get into that situation. The anxiety that Hannah's ER visit in April brought me, has been a thorn in my side for months now. It's only recently (with help of the meds) begun to dissipate in a way that I can functionally interact with Hannah without being worried every second she's going to have another seizure, or choke on something. If that's all I gain from a month away from work, it's worth it, as interacting with her is as pleasure, and the anxiety was keeping me from enjoying the moment with her.

We've done some swimming lessons, gone on a few walks, been to the park (before it got so hot outside), and stuck to our normal routine, but I've felt less worried and more present for each of these things, than I did prior to taking new medicine, and taking some leave from work. It helps to be able to have full focus directed at battling the anxiety, instead of spending time working and worrying, which was a bad combination.

It had got to the point I couldn't sit at my desk and work without worrying if something was wrong with Hannah in the next room. I watched her nanny cam feed constantly, and worried if she so much as coughed or moved weird. This was what the worst of the anxiety was doing to me, and it was the first time in my life I've experienced that.

Depression was my battle, even as recently as my previous blog post. The anxiety is a new beast, that thankfully is being fought off well pharmaceutically.

Though, in my heart, I wish I was fighting it off spiritually as well. I've reached a block where even sitting for 30 minutes and reading the Bible is a chore. In 2012/2013 you couldn't tear me away from reading and studying the Word, so it's an odd change of events. Thankfully, Juliet has found her stride spiritually, and I am able to glean bits and pieces from her new found spiritual focus. But, she's still completing Bible plans while I'm watching the latest episode of "Below Deck," so there is room for growth.

Part of me is tempted to release a bit of what I've written for my book idea, to get feedback, and some constructive critique to help motivate me to get back in pursuit. But, in the past when I've tried this, people have not bothered to read it. Maybe if I post it here (and pray no one steals it), I'll get more solid feedback. That sounds more and more like a good idea.


The general concept is "A Dangerous Faith" and discusses things that Christians could fall into like hypocrisy, backsliding, or fighting with other Christians. Each chapter (Or pamphlet as they may turn out), is the "Danger of ____". My most complete work so far is the "Danger of Hypocrisy", so I may post it for viewing soon. I think that, more than anything would help motivate me.

So, stay tuned I suppose, for an excerpt or two from my writings that are separate from the blog.

Appreciate the readership, check out past blog posts for a more insightful version of myself back when I was writing almost daily, and really churning out the spiritual insight.

-Chris

I Don't Want to Be A Depressed Christian

*I usually post a cartoon at the top of these, but in this case, the perfect cartoon to fit, is too long to put here* ---Feel free to jump over to this link first: http://adam4d.com/meds/
Then come back. This is probably my most vulnerable post, so bear with it...it's almost 2 posts in one, so take an intermission if you need :)

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I think because there is a stigma attached to Christians who suffer with depression, many will not speak about it. We suffer silently.

It's because our brothers and sisters in the faith, who have not had the struggle, may consider it another pray it away type of thing. If you're taking medicine, you must not have enough faith in God to heal you.

I understand where they would get that idea, but God uses our technology, our medicines, and what we have available to work through us in healing. Every healing doesn't need to be a miraculous divine intervention. There are little healings every day that require nothing but a person willingly swallowing a pill, or getting a vaccination.

Yet, I feel judged by the Christian community, though no one has actually ever said anything directly, it's a tough problem to admit. Heck, I didn't even know I had depression until Juliet pointed it out to me. Then, hearing from other family members and friends, it became clear it is something I've struggled with longer than I even realized.

It seems Fatherhood, grand as it is, has somehow activated it to the point that even I can notice it more prominently than before. I can have a bad day, and sense that overwhelming feeling of what can only be described as "blah". A lack of motivation to accomplish what needs to be done, a silent pondering and staring with no joy to be found. Every day worries compounded to the point of nearly being unable to move.

For me, it seems beyond just taking medicine daily, I combat this with hobbies, (or compulsions Juliet might say), that help get my mind off of it, and make me feel happy. My most recent venture, selling a lot of things that were taking up space on eBay.

My original intention was just to sell enough things to try to buy the new Apple HomePod, which I did. But, some of my old "junk" started selling a bit better than expected, and so I was able to get the HomePod, but also had some extra as well. I gave Juliet a cut, so that my hobby could go uninterrupted, and I avoided using our bank money, other than the occasional shipping envelope or card holders for trading cards.

Now, on the surface, and to me really, this was just a welcome distraction from the difficulty of every day life in Oklahoma. I love being closer to family, I love having a daughter, I even love my job currently. But, the move here destroyed me in a sense. I got a lot of my identity from Austin, as a city, and just knowing and interacting with the people there in my little group. I was more plugged in than even I realized, until we left.

To compound that, we lost Jimmy and Pepa months apart last year, during the point after moving in which if you'd paid me enough money, I would have packed up and moved right back to Austin in a heartbeat. I wasn't settled yet, and I desperately wanted to be back in Austin, where my other family members were spending quality time with Jimmy before his passing. I wanted to see his final shows, to sit with him and talk, all of the things my other cousins and family members got to do. But, while I was in Austin, it's not like we sought one another out for lunch, or family get togethers on a regular basis. If anything, my main familial connection was Jesse and Rachel, since Rachel is one person whom Juliet also loved hanging out with. That rare couple in which all parties can converse and hang out with one another comfortably.

At the time of all this happening last year, my manager was the most empathetic, and helpful person I'd ever known in my years with the company. Our weekly 1x1 meetings, supposed to discuss best practices, instead were a session for me to pour my heart out, and for him to encourage me, and sometimes to just listen. It is a big chunk of what kept me going, knowing that at work, I had support.

But, a semi-break down in November while visiting family in Colorado, apparently brought light again to my silent suffering, when I made a small spectacle of myself with some family members. I came back to Ada with the intention to seek out some counseling.

Medications, counseling, these aren't Christian words are they? That kept playing in my head. How could I, born-again, saved as can be, Christian guy be struggling with these things? Am I really saved? Why does God seem so far away at times? These types of questions plagued me, and still do from time to time. I have finally realized; however, it's me who has been pushing God away. Not intentionally per say, just little by little, bit by bit, edging God out of my life in favor of other ventures, most of them worthless.

At the time I should have relied most heavily on God, I was relying on myself, and a bit of others around me. I realize now, this probably only compounded my struggle. Maybe only another Christian who has felt these things can relate, but it's just that no matter how much I wanted to be closer to God deep down, no matter how much I wanted that hunger for His word I used to have, I could not bring myself to draw near. I beat myself up over it, and am still doing so, though improving and trying to come back to Him little by little.

Was my faith not strong enough, as the name it and claim it crowd might think? Doubtful, I had faith inside of me, but I couldn't seem to get it out, to express it, or even to embrace it. It was this thing that I knew was a part of me, but that I couldn't acknowledge, even when I wanted to most. I think that's how depression can affect a Christian.

I think it's okay if it finally brings us to a realization that we can't do it alone, for the Christian, that we can't do it without Christ.

The thing is, the church, is a hospital, yes, but it's also a rehab center, it's a training ground for fulfilling our purpose in Christ. I just got a bit stuck in the waiting room of the rehab center. I came broken and was healed and brought to Christ years ago in the hospital of the church. I even made it through some rehab (spiritual growth), and succeeded quite a bit up to a point. But, one day, I just sat in the metaphorical waiting room of the rehab instead of letting my growth continue.

Stuck in "rehab" I never made it to the training grounds, where a person can find their true place in Christ and God's plan for their life. I dreamed of it, I even thought of things and talents I had that might be put to use. But, I stifled my own spiritual growth. I take 90% of the blame, laziness and distraction were my desires. But, a chunk of it, is this depression. For, even when I can overcome my 90% blockage against things of God, that 10% still wants to fight me. Even as I write this, I want to cry out to God, and my body and mind are saying no, just go watch TV instead.

The heart of my depressed state, beyond the Chemical imbalances is that I don't believe I measure up to what a "good Christian" would be. And, theologically speaking, I know for sure, there is not such thing as a "Good" Christian or person for that matter. So, why do I stack myself up against others who seem to have the faith more figured out than me? Why do I feel inadequate for not raising my hands to praise, when those around me seem entranced by worship of our Creator? It's not that I don't feel that same spiritual connection, but the emotional side of it just doesn't seem to come out as easily for me.

I've turned my Christianity into a logical thing, book learnings and theological pursuit, but I've lost track of the emotional transformation that comes from being made whole in Christ. I want that back, if I ever actually had it. What good is the knowledge and logic, if there is no empathy towards others? If there is no all encompassing desire to dwell in the presence of my savior?

There is, but something else blocks it daily. Again, I'm a depressed Christian, and if that sounds contradictory, maybe it is. It certainly makes me doubt my salvation way too often, considering I've been assured and seen that assurance play out many times. I think I'm simply struggling to reach the "meat" of spiritual food Paul speaks about, and still enjoying the milk too much. The one foot in, one foot out approach. It wasn't always like this, but a long dry season of distraction and other pursuits, has left me stuck here. I wanna get out. I want my God, I want His presence, His word to permeate me again.

But, I don't want others judge me. I don't want my family to debate me on things, or to get stuck in arguments with friends who disagree. Yet, Jesus even said those things would happen. If I could just get to a point of understanding who I am, and not worrying about what others will think of me...I care too much about what others think. Raising my hands without feeling awkward, stating the truth of the Gospel without fearing the loss that could bring someday in terms of earthly things. If I could just step out, God can use me for great things.

That's my prayer. I want it, I desire it, I don't know how to break through the wall to get it. He is with me, I feel the Holy Spirit with me even as I type, encouraging my heart, telling me it's going to be better. I believe that, I trust that. I'm just tired of losing my joy to depression. I'm tired of being selfish, of being sympathetic, not empathetic. Of caring more for myself and my comfort than for others. That's not a Christian way to be.


-------I found some hope today-------

Today, we were raking leaves in our yard, and as I watched them pile up, I noticed all around that the neighbors yards were also bombarded with fallen leaves. And, something possessed me. It wasn't a desire for acknowledgment, it was this overwhelming sense that I needed to do something for someone else, without any expectation of a return on that.

So, in my frenzied state of physical labor, I raked all of the outer edge of everyone's backyards, and moved the leaves into the tree line about 20 feet from there. It took many trips, two rakes holding a pile and walking it over. But, I felt alive for the first time in awhile. I felt useful and productive. I felt helpful, and like I was finally doing something that wasn't for my benefit- other than getting the fresh air and exercise. This may be a key that I've found to unlocking my ability to help, and put others first. Physical labor is not my favorite thing to do, but today showed me that I can be unselfish. I can do something out of a desire to help others, not myself (though I did rake our yard too). I'm not even writing this to boast on it, as many who have read this far will understand, this is to remind myself, that God is pushing me, and instead of pushing back, I need to ride along with Him.

Growing pains are painful, but the end result is reaching potential, growth. God prunes branches, a painful process if the fruit could feel it, so that they can bear more fruit. Struggle and trial brings us to a place of acknowledgment that without Christ, without our creator, we cannot do it ourselves. We can fight and try, and struggle for years, and still not be satisfied. I finally got that taste of satisfaction again today, that I hadn't tasted since probably 2014 if I had to guess. 4 years of knowing God, but being too tired or lazy to seek him further. 4 years of stifled growth, all the while using my gifts to at least hope to lead others in their walk through music. Yet, how hypocritical that felt.

Matt told me once while I was leading that if I was going to get in the way of God moving in the worship, God would just have to move me out, and get it done anyway. The concept being because I had over planned some things, to the point that I expected a certain result, and it would inevitably not come out the way I expected. God would move in those moments where I just let Him move.

This isn't a confession, this isn't a cry for help, though I'd love some encouragement. I need friends, I need trusted Christian people whom I can reach out to and ease some burden. Juliet and I can do so much, but I think an outside source, an accountability partner, someone who can encourage us, is necessary. So, I hope, now that we've found a church home in Ada, I can be in a better place to meet and find those people.

They're surrounding me already I'm sure at Wesley, but I don't want to let the college kids down by showing that a middle aged person can still be struggling to figure it all out. Not that they would judge it, but in a leadership position, I find it harder to be vulnerable. Not for fear of losing that position, but for fear of hurting someone else's growth with my own idiotic need to stay lateral and not grow.

Perhaps these thoughts are better for a journal, as I doubt anyone will read this far. But, I'll put it out there, for the right person or people to see, who maybe find it encouraging to them to know a fellow brother in the faith struggles. Or, maybe even to use it to encourage me. If I'm going to have this disease of depression, I need to at least fight it, and not let it overtake my joy in the Lord. Medicate it with pills and counseling for the physical side, but medicate it with God's word for the spiritual side too.

It feels good to share this, I know things are starting to align, and Ada is starting to feel more like home. But, I don't get out of the house with only 1 vehicle and work from 1-10pm. I can't take Juliet to work, and I have Hannah all morning with me. So, cabin fever is getting me on this new shift. I sure would love some encouragement on that, someone to let me know I'm not just a body trapped in a house all week. Though, I love my time with Hannah, and our schedules not aligning is probably best for her, since she always has 1 parent with her at any given time.

I suppose that's it for now. I am going to watch some TV, but not to escape what I've just written. I am easing my way back into things. I probably don't need the TV, but it's what I know for now. God help me come back to you, though you never actually left me. Let me desire you and your word again, with the same hunger and devotion I've given to the worldly things these past few years. You know writing is where I can express myself best, You've heard these thoughts in my heart already, here they are in black and white to help me stay accountable, and hopefully for you to use to encourage others, or bring me encouragement as well.

Thanks be to God, who is with us in our weakest, and loves us with the same fervor and devotion as when we're strong. Who speaks the truth in love, and doesn't let us sit idly in our sin, but calls us out of it. Who doesn't throw a stone, but who also encourages us to go and sin no more. May He pull me out of the muck I've dug myself into these past years, and bring me to my purpose, and to bring me back to my desire to use my gifts and talents all for His glory, and the spreading of the Gospel.