Finding the Middle Ground

In this great walk of faith upon which I have embarked, is it possible I am spending too much time studying and not enough time feeling?

The thought has occurred to me multiple times. It started back in the Jubilee church days when we were at a very spirit filled church. The raising of hands and emotional response was always prevalent there, and the sermons tended to build upon that good feeling of worship.

When I had to stop attending temporarily due to my new job at Apple, I began seeking to grow and learn on my own. I've always loved reading Christian fiction and non-fiction books, and so I embraced as many as I could. I also finally completed a full reading and studying of the Bible. For the most part, I tried reading and taking notes so that I was absorbing the info.

I need notes to absorb info. I'm beginning to think it's a bit of a handicap; however, because lately, I can't comprehend much of what I read if I'm not making little marginal notes and marks to remind me of key things. I remember the old days of breezing through a book and remembering what I read. Not sure what happened...

I checked the "I'm Reading" app that I have on Facebook and realized I had set aside more books than I had finished. In my quest to absorb all the information possible about my faith, I have amassed many books. Most of them I have finished at one point in time or another. New books in the past few years; however, have mostly been started and then set aside.

I don't even think it's an issue of content. Most of them were of great interest to me when they were purchased/given. I have a theory as to what has happened.

Chris' Theory of his disconnect with Books

I have always found intellectual pursuit of my faith a worthy endeavor. With that being said, my theory now is that in the midst of my thirst for knowledge about the faith, I have missed an important aspect of my walk: The feeling.

Feeling is an important part of the faith walk. When the believers gathered after Christ's ascension and the promised visitation of the Holy Spirit fell upon them, they certainly felt something. They had heard the parables and gained the knowledge to that point as best they could. But in that moment, it was about the presence of God, not the idea of God. They had the belief, now they had the confirmation of that belief through a shared experience.

This is what is missing. I was talking with a co-worker about the power of God's Holy Spirit to embolden us in the faith, and to guide us in our walk. It is by the Spirit of God that we connect at all at this point, as it is only through the quickening by God's spirit that we would even desire God in the first place.

I noticed in terms of general contentment, and boldness in the faith, those most associated with the spiritual side (as opposed to the intellectual side) seemed more content.

That is not to say that the spirit filled way is all that is needed. I've decided it takes a combination of the empowering of the Holy Spirit, and diligent study of the Word of God.

I have come into the study part with no problem. I probably study too much. I am loaded with information and have no outlet. I used to visit our associate pastor at Jubilee just to unload some of these thoughts and ideas I was reading and learning about. He was of similar mind and we enjoyed exchanging intellectually about God. The original plan was to be able to give a defense of the faith when asked, and I have at least managed to reach that point as to speaking to the hope I have in Christ. That's a plus!

Still, in my personal life, in times of disappointment or sadness, the intellectual side can only go so far. It's a connection with God at those times that proves most comforting. Letting go of worry and trusting God is not generally a matter of knowledge in that moment.

My prayer life has suffered since becoming a Christian Book Nerd (phrase coined). I have spent so much time buried in Christian literature that I forget sometimes to just sit back and pray to God. The relational aspect, while there, is not prominent, and my spiritual side suffers from this lack.

As Christians, our relationship with God through Christ and the Spirit is what it's all about. Without that, we are simply legalistic and religious, and bear no real resemblance to the faith Christ preached. We are to pray, and seek God.

Seeking God through study is a noble endeavor, but not the only aspect. Only focusing on the spiritual side leads to Christians who are babies in the faith, with no real idea as to why they are saved or what they are doing. They have the benefit, though, of feeling closest to God through prayer and thanksgiving. On the opposite end, those focused too much in intellectual pursuit will know everything about why they believe, but have trouble connecting directly with God. Prayer becomes tough because there is too much pre-thought and analysis put into it.

I finally found the middle ground the other day, and it was glorious. I had to be at Life Church at 7am for practice to play guitar with the band. I got off work an hour early, and decided just to go wait at the church. When I got there the lot was pitch black. I turned off the car, and was mesmerized by the utter silence. It was beautiful.

I began to let my prayers come out to God. I didn't think it out, I just let them flow. I sat in darkness until the sun began to peek up over the horizon, and it was the most peaceful I have felt in years. My knowledge of God hadn't disappeared. I still liked reading and studying. But for that moment, I finally understood what the other end of the spectrum felt. I finally realized that a combination/balance of both intellectual and felt pursuit of God leads to the best Christian experience, and ultimately the most mature Christians in the faith.

If we can combine our spiritual experiences of God in those quiet times, with a thorough knowledge of the faith and scriptures, we find the happy medium. The walk is still not always perfect or easy. Christ never said it would be. But in those moments of the middle ground, we understand the faith and why we believe, and we get that sweet, sweet feeling of connecting directly with our Creator, through prayer and quiet reverence.