Confidence

I'm tired. Not physically so much, but just mentally exhausted. I've become my own worst enemy in most cases, as my outer environment is pretty solid right now. There are a lot of people in my camp pushing me on and building me up. Still my inner monologue and thought process is causing me to stress and drive myself crazy.

At work I've been working to improve on small aspects of my job. I know there is always room for growth, and I've been working closely with a colleague to improve on many aspects. That in and of itself is not  a problem.

But, with any change, comes some amount of trial period, and currently I'm stuck in the middle of an inability to improve myself in relation to the role.

Much of it is confidence, and I've been told about 10 times in the past two weeks that if I could be slightly more confident, things would begin to work better. I agree really because after trying it a few times, I did get results easier. Still, changing a habit 27 years in the making is going to take some time.

Thankfully it hasn't all been bad lately. I've had a great chance in the past two weeks to reconnect with a friend who I hadn't spoken with in a couple years. His confidence was always an inspiration during my DCI days. Not only in his Christian walk, but also in his day to day life. It's something I strive to achieve, but years of being passive have left me with an uphill battle. It's not even that I'm not good at the things with which I have confidence issues. I'm told daily how great I am doing at these things. It's my own thought process ruining that.

If I spoke more confidently in interviews I'd get the job. If I spoke more confidently on the phone people wouldn't question my recommendations. If I spoke more confidently in my Christian walk, all my friends would be saved....well..they'd at least respect my view a bit more perhaps. If I spoke more confidently at home I could finally be the spiritual leader of the house. It's affecting every aspect of my life.

I get off work and go home to sleep. I tend to sleep more than most people, and my problem tied most closely right now with lack of confidence is lack of motivation. I have unfinished projects galore, and have only recently begun to at least nail down the music projects. But, the motivation to put myself out there is coupled with a fear of rejection, pushed on by my passivity and ultimately I just end up going back to sleep.

Much of my frustration started back in November when I was taken off of certain responsibilities at work unexpectedly that I had begun to enjoy doing. It wasn't an executive decision, it just sort of happened overnight. I went on a scheduled vacation as the primary guy, and came back with multiple people performing those duties and myself back in my standard role, with no explanation. It took all of November to finally come to terms with it, and the jealousy that honestly came from it. I had been relied on and was excelling and getting great experience for future positions, and it felt like it was pulled out from under me. I really don't think it was intentional, but it certainly made an impact.

It's these little things in jobs that tend to frustrate me. I'm the guy saying, "if only they'd give me a shot, I could do great at _____." The truth is that guy never gets that chance because promotions are earned, not randomly handed out. There is the catch-22 of needing experience to do well in an interview, but not being given opportunity to build experience. It happens in every job.

And the circle comes back around to lacking confidence. I didn't ask why I had been replaced, I just stewed in my frustration. I didn't take it as an opportunity to grow in my current role, I lost interest and felt like going through the motions.

If I could only be more confident I could get the job, make the sale, save the friend....
If I could only be more motivated I could play music for a living, complete projects and live better.

"If onlys" don't tend to produce results though, so I suppose against my current inner feelings I need to just bite the bullet and step ahead. Part of growing up is learning to adapt and adjust to changes. Certainly there will be many changes to come in my life, so mastering these concepts now can only be a beneficial practice.

It's time to confidently take control, and do whatever it takes. Prayers welcome.