I had a moment of utter weakness this past Sunday. Many factors were contributing to it, and I couldn't be sure if it was the combination of all, or individual ones that pushed me over the edge. My Saturday night had been frustrating, and though Sunday service had brought me up temporarily, by time I got home I was feeling quite distraught. It wasn't until today, that I gained some insight/perspective on what may have been happening.
The Background
As I warmed up (Juliet actually did this) a bath to sit and relax, I was feeling very uneasy. Since August when I led the seminar on Salvation with Pastor Matthew, I seemed to have hit a brick wall in terms of spiritual growth. The books seemed less interesting, my daily readings did not entice, and I really just wanted to do anything but study.
This was completely opposite of the attitude I had before the seminar (and perhaps why I look at it as a turning point). Prior to the seminar I had been building my faith up daily. Verses finally made sense, I grew in knowledge and understanding, and I felt God right by me pushing me onward.
By Sunday, the desire to learn had been long gone for months, and I had settled into laziness characteristic of my time before this year's spiritual step forward. I wasn't feeling God with me, and I was again doubting my salvation. It has always been an uphill battle for me on that front. My prayers seemed empty and I had not been feeling any moving of God's spirit during worship, or in daily life.
In my mind I wanted to believe it was something God was doing. My human arrogance wanted it to be God's fault for not making me feel more close to Him. I ignored the fact that with a God who is always constant, I was the one that had moved around.
As I lay beneath the water of my warm bath, praying fervently and nearly begging for a response or a little feeling again, I hit my spiritual rock bottom. I came above the water multiple times as Juliet listened to Christian radio in the other room, hoping a lyric would speak to me. I tested the lyrics seeing if each time I was getting some message from God. Finally, I drained the water from the tub, but found it difficult to bring myself to stand up and move on with the day. I was frozen in frustration and the worry that perhaps it has all been a lie to this point. Maybe I had never been saved. Maybe those times I thought it was God by my side, or that the chill was from the Holy Spirit it was just the air conditioning. Maybe my compelling inner thoughts toward actions I would not normally take, was simply my own imagination, and not God pushing me forward for building up His kingdom.
These thoughts and more occurred in a span of about 5 minutes before Juliet walked in and saw me. I began to incoherently ramble on about my concerns about my assurance of salvation, and how upset I have been lately that no one that I have sought to bring to Christ has had any hint of movement because of me. I longed for my friends to just be around...not even in a spiritual sense, but just for moral support. I wished the phone calls weren't ignored, and that I didn't have to assume it is because of my outward expressions of faith on Facebook and in this blog. I asked her if something was wrong with me for not feeling any emotion for the Gospel in the past months.
I cannot remember exactly what Juliet said over the next 10-15 minutes, but I remember it being words as if spoken from God through her, to me. She said things so assuring and comforting that my tears soon were replaced with dry eyes. I still longed to cry a little more, to relieve the stresses of the past months, but her assuring words kept propelling me towards solace.
She began to pray out loud for me in a way we have not prayed together before. My heart remembers, though my mind is blank on exactly what was said. The cloud lifted, and I emerged from my bath with a new sense of spiritual readiness. (I've been calling my bathtub faith renewal)
We spent the remainder of our weekend in normal fashion, relaxing. I told her we needed some time to set aside to read and pray for Monday, so we did the best we could on that before giving in to tacos to ease our hunger.
I got back to work on Tuesday feeling rejuvenated and have been feeling great since. I am feeling more compelled to study again, and to live out my faith, instead of simply typing it out. My pursuit of knowledge to best my opponents of the faith with facts and explanations is replaced with a calm assurance that God will work on whom He will work. If I am that instrument, so be it, and if not, someone will be. My stress over not being as recognized at work this past month is set aside, and I look forward to many more fun nights with a team of coworkers I truly enjoy. And, I'm able to write a blog again. I've had bloggers block for a few months now, only feeling compelled to write at certain times. I'm hoping this re-enters me into this great outlet for myself, and hopefully others.
The Epiphany
Today after work, I chatted with a co-worker who is a fellow brother in Christ for about a half hour, regarding this whole situation. He related a similar story that had happened to him shortly after first becoming a Christian.
The verse that he was referring to was 1 Corinthians 3:2.
1 Corinthians 3:2, "I gave you milk, not solid food, for you were not ready for it, indeed you are still not ready."
He pointed out that God had really been there to give the milk in the early days of His conversion. The vices he once held were removed and he was, as they say, on fire for God. He said that as he began to grow however, he noticed that instead of feeling God in 5 minutes of prayer, it became 10 minutes, then 15 and so on. He described this as God weaning him off of the milk in preparation for greater things, or to allude to the above verse, for solid food.
It all made sense to me. As I had grown and gotten closer to a position in the faith of really making a difference (the seminar), God had provided the milk of his presence in abundance. It propelled me forward to an end that likely would have continued if I had realized that eventually, we need to stop drinking milk and switch to solid food.
Believers grow just as babies grow. God provides what we need in our early days of belief, but as we learn more and grow more, we need another type of food. Maybe that's not answering a prayer as fast as before to test faith. Maybe that's a lump on your back that is unknown to test your resolve to trust in him. Maybe it's friends turning from you, to see if you trust Him to handle their hearts, or bring new people into your life.
In perspective, it certainly explains why I fell so hard initially Sunday. If a baby is crying for milk and you take it from the baby, he certainly will cry at first. But gradually, over time, as you withdraw more and replace with solid food, the baby begins to realize it needs this growth. The lack of feeling with my 10 minute prayers maybe is an indication that I should invest more time in praying. Perhaps the time is set higher already in expectation that as a Christian who was strong enough to lead a group of fellow believers in a seminar, I should be praying more than 10 minutes a day.
Apply this to other aspects of the spiritual walk besides prayer, and I think we get a great example of how God truly is our Father. When we need it most, he provides with ease, but growth requires pruning. Growth requires testing and conflict. We don't always like it (and often cry for our milk), but when we finally reach that point beyond the babying, we can truly step out as disciples for the Gospel.
When our fleshly minds and hearts are still craving milk, maybe it's time we begin to seek meat, and move forward in our growth so that we may be mature, spiritual instruments for God's purpose in our lives.
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