I woke up from my nap today feeling sad. I remember dreaming about the days of being in "the Huntsman," my cover band from college. I'm not sure if it was the music or the relationships that were formed through the mutual love of music that I missed more.
It got me thinking about friendship. Juliet had always told me that friends were different than acquaintances, which were different than co-workers, and so on. I had always grouped people together as either Best friends or friends. To me, if we connected on any level of interest, it could qualify as at least a basic friendship.
Over my lifetime I've had a few very close friends, and numerous people that I count as friends. Part of what has me down lately is realizing that the relationships with some of the closest friends have not stood the test of time as I always assumed they would.
What is it that qualifies a friendship as a friendship? Is it shared mutual interest? Is it proximity? Could it be a combination of any number of things?
I had always considered my former band mates (Andy was brother) as friends...at least for that time of our lives. We don't keep in touch, but we shared interests and laughter together. Mutual shared enjoyment to me can equal friendship.
Perhaps what I equate with "Best friendship" is more longevity than anything. I have two friends that I have always considered my closest, and two others who I always classified as close, though we never hung out much. Was it because we had known each other the longest? Maybe.
When marriages and children and disagreements come, the true friends are the ones left standing by your side. I wonder sometimes if I still have anyone like that.
Obviously, my spouse qualifies as a best friend now. She certainly is the individual with whom I spend the most time and shared enjoyment.
I feel like lately I'm lacking someone other than her though with whom to share thoughts, insecurities, etc... that would be hard to share with her. Nothing crazy, but just an impartial third party with whom to bounce things off from time to time.
I've had that in the past, but because of distance, or belief differences, or whatever, those relationships have failed the test of time.
I know that with at least one person I can still turn in a time of need. For another, I wish that were still the case, but feel that I've been given the cold shoulder in terms of that connection. Even our shared mutual interests seem to have fallen by the wayside.
What bothers me is how people can so easily disregard these relationships. I could easily re-start any friendship that has fallen away, at any given moment. Sure we disagree on many things, and maybe we are not the best influences on each other, but at least there is some shared history. That history is sometimes what is needed. A time of reminiscing to break up the day to day routine. A simple "remember that time we...." is needed once in awhile.
I'm afraid to reconnect with some people. I know we have shared history, but I feel like the pest by trying to contact them. I know people have moved into busy lives, and the fact that I have ample free time during the day (work overnights), doesn't necessarily mean they too are free to chat.
As mentioned in my other post, "Facebook Friendship and How to Maintain It," Facebook friendship has somewhat hurt regular relationships as well. We learn so much about our friends and family through Facebook that we sometimes forget to interact in the real world. A quick phone call is ignored in favor of a text or Facebook wall post. The connection that comes from a voice connection during a phone call is lost, and in the case of some friendships, may be that missing key to maintaining the relationship through distance and time.
I know that the reasons some older friends might not like speaking as much to me lately is tied to my beliefs and how they are expressed in online mediums (Facebook, blog, etc...). Were we to just sit back and have a normal phone conversation, a lot of this mis-reading of who I am could be cleared up. They would see I'm the same old Chris, and that despite a renewed conviction of belief, am not some crazy person with whom they have no shared interest or relationship.
Sadly, with the ease of online communication, and the busyness of normal life, it is difficult to make these connections consistently. And so, our closest relationships, once held together by longevity, shared history and shared interest are pushed aside. Or, worse still, ill will is harbored without being expressed. Anger or hurt feelings go unnoticed because of no true medium with which to express it normally.
In the old days, if friends offended each other, they picked up the phone and talked it out. Now there is only passive commentary, or total ignoring of issues that may be slowly eating away at the fabric of the long-term friendship. Maybe I'm imagining all of this, but surely I am not the only one who notices these things.
So how is this resolved? If I wasn't afraid of pestering people, I'd start calling old friends one-by-one to rekindle the relationships. Since I'm afraid of bother people, I haven't had the nerve to do so. There is one friend I can call regardless, but for the rest, I simply wait, hoping for a casual Facebook "like" on my posts or message from time to time. I miss the old days.
For my friends out there reading this, just know that I still consider those relationships ready to re-form at a moments notice. I long for the old days of just chatting about random things. I would love advice in certain areas with which you all now have more expertise. Ultimately, I would just like to say hi and see how life is going.
Taking the first step may fall to me, and I can accept that. My fear of pestering someone will be quickly tossed aside when the phone line picks up and the familiar tones and conversations begin again, as if it had never been interrupted.
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