Facebook Friendship and How to Maintain It

The phone makes a familiar sound. It is a sound most have come to know by this point. Someone reaches for the phone and notices the message, "Johnny Johnnerson has added you as a friend." He thinks to himself, "do I even know Johnny Johnnerson?" He clicks accept. They are now Facebook friends.

Facebook has become a dominating force in society as a whole since the initial creation back in the early 2000s. It has brought families back together who had not seen each other in many years. It has helped develop relationships with people we may have only known in passing. And, on the darker side, it has destroyed countless friendships. Facebook is making it much easier to realize how little we have in common with many of our friends. There is a new aspect of judgment that comes into play as well. Close friends begin posting about their lives and what goes on, and we suddenly think, "who is this person?" "I don't remember them being like that." What actions are appropriate when this situation arises? Maintaining friendship, un-subscribing to news feeds and un-friending are the most popular options, but each carries with it both positive and negative results.

Facebook friends may not always be equal to real life friendships. Perhaps this is why so much of the time we base many of our impressions of a person on their Facebook status, and not on who they really are. Sure a status update can often tell a number of things about a person. One may find out their political leanings, religious convictions, family troubles, or just what they decided to eat for dinner that night. To some, this new aspect of intimacy may have been absent from their friendship outside of Facebook. For example, maybe there is a close friend with whom one shares all of their closest thoughts. Maybe the friendship has gone on long enough that both parties feel they have a decent grasp on what that person is about. Then one day, friend #1 posts a status about hating the current president. Friend # 2 thinks, "Hmm...I assumed since we both liked ____, that we both supported the same guy..." And so begins an unspoken political battle filled with passive aggressive comments and mutual status updates. Both parties know to whom the other is speaking, but neither will acknowledge what is going on between them. An uncomfortable Facebook friendship translates into the real life friendship. This is a hard situation to avoid as many people finally open up completely when they know the world is hanging on their every word. Facebook lends an aspect of arrogance to many who may have not previously been as open about true thoughts and leanings.

Now that real life friendships have been initially tested, Facebook offers another option for when someone really doesn't want to hear what their friends have to say. Unlike reality where occasionally one may have to endure awkward conversations in person, Facebook makes it simple to simply not see a person's posts. This is interesting considering one of the primary purposes of Facebook is to keep up with friends life through status updates. By unsubscribing a Facebook friend, the message becomes, "I still like you enough to have you as a friend, but not enough to care what you have to say." And this is an ongoing dilemma.  FarmVille game application may have initiated it to an extent, but now everyone knows how simple it is to block information. Effectively Facebook allows users to become censors of mindsets and views that clash with their own. Passive aggressive behavior ensues and real life friendships suffer. In a way, it would almost appear to be kinder to simply delete the individual as a Facebook friend, and have a real life discussion about why their posts are a burden. Maybe this is the direction it is headed.

Up to this point, two friends have decided to add each other on Facebook. Friend #1 decides that they do not appreciate everything that Friend #2 posts, and unsubscribes from Friend #2's newsfeed. It can happen over long periods of time, or occasionally right after adding someone. There are in some situations legitimate reasons to unsubscribe from a newsfeed. Actual offensive content comes to mind. For example, Friend # 2 constantly posts racist jokes and foul language on their statuses. Friend # 1 does not appreciate having to view that content constantly. Friend #1 may legitimately unsubscribe and not feel bad because in this case, friend # 2 is being obscene. However, this should not always apply to a difference of beliefs. There is nothing wrong with standing up for deeply held convictions, and to those who hold different views, acceptance of this should be a requirement of friendship. In real life, if two friends don't like the same president, they can joke and have fun with it. On Facebook, the same two friends are constantly trying to one up each other with a better political article trying to prove their point. Neither ever talk directly to each other. It is passive aggressiveness at its finest, and as soon as one of them realizes what is happening, it can sometimes come off as very hurtful.

When Facebook friendship reaches this boiling point, it is time to un-friend. Some would argue that un-friending is worse than un-subscribing newsfeeds, but maybe it is not when one really analyzes the consequences. If friend #1 unsubscribes from friend #2's posts, but friend #2 still subscribes to friend #1's posts, friend #2 may not realize there is a problem. Translate that to real life friendship and it would seem to be the equivalent to having an issue with one's friends but never actually admitting there is an issue. Playing along as if nothing is wrong when in reality, there are negative feelings happening on the inside. When played out in real life, friendships are destroyed. Part of a friendship is always being open and honest with the other member. Similar to romantic involvement, if both parties are not open about thoughts and feelings, true friendship cannot occur, and slowly over time, the friendship dissolves.

In addition, lack of mutual interests can be a real life circumstance that dissolves friendships over time. This can technically be avoided by consistently sharing new thoughts and interests with the other party. Should they continue to not be interested, shift focus to some common ground. If all else fails, talk about the fact that both parties are humans currently living on Earth--there is shared ground there.

If friend #1 finally cannot stand it anymore and deletes Friend #2 on Facebook, Friend #2 will eventually realize. Sometimes it can take time, other times it becomes obvious when they cannot view the funny story Friend #1 posted to all their mutual friends who were not deleted. Now the problem is in the open, and if at its heart a true friendship exists, they can begin a phone or in person dialogue to work out the problem. At its heart, this is the best approach. Mutual honesty brought about by a conflict. Seeking to revitalize dying friendships that may have many years behind them. Two friends will not always see eye-to-eye on every single aspect of life. This is part of the magic of knowing other people. Rather than living in one's own bubble, surrounded only by like belief systems, different world perspectives can manifest. This is not always comfortable for everyone, but it is a part of shared existence.

Facebook provides an outlet for emotion, opinion and interaction that can sometimes irritate those considered close friends. Much like reality, there cannot always exist a conflict-free friendship. There are bumps in the road. As friends mature and grow, they may not always agree on everything. Rather than throwing away friendships through the internet, individuals need to strive to connect with those friends with whom they are consistently annoyed. Open discussion leads to resolution, or at worst, mutual tolerance. Facebook friends are not wholly incompatible with real friends, but different aspects of the friendship need to be addressed. Before adding someone as a friend on Facebook, find out why it is they should be added. Is there some message you desire to passively get across in their news feed? Perhaps it is better not to add them. Are you an optimistic person with strong beliefs that may occasionally step on the toes of friends? Talk to those who are being added and let them know that occasionally they may not like what is posted, but that it is not meant for wrong.

In a country where freedom of speech is had by all, Facebook is an outlet for people to express their deepest beliefs, or if nothing else, the extent to which their homemade hamburgers were delicious last night. Isn't that what this country is all about?