God's Will: To seek or to wait?

Are we meant to seek out God's will? Or does it tend to actively find us?

These are thoughts running through my head. In many cases in my own life, it seems to be the latter. I'll be going along and then some opportunity will come along that pushes me onward in my faith journey. An example of this would be last September when Matt asked me to help kick off Amen Austin church leading worship. 

Or do we seek out God's will as in the case of Juliet? We made a plan (with prayer) and determined we would downsize our life style enough for her to pursue God's plan for her working in Mexico.

In the case of both, we were actively growing in our faith walk and/or helping others. Juliet is really just getting things kicked off down there even 3 months later, but she finally enjoys something that she is doing.

In my own case, I grew more from September-April leading worship at a church than I could've anticipated. In another example of God's will finding me, I was thrust into position of "leader" for the mission trip to Acuña, MX back in March.

So, you might say we both found God's will, or let's say "direction" in different ways, and at different times.

But, my question now becomes, how do I remain in God's will once it appears that I am in it? An odd sounding question for sure, but my question nonetheless.

See, as we began planning to follow God's call to downsize so Juliet could answer the call in Mexico, I was thrust into circumstances at work beyond my control which made it not possible to attend church at all, let alone lead worship. So, as we began the search for God's will in Juliet's life, he seems to have sidelined me to cheer her on in my own walk.

And, though I like thinking of it like that (her cheerleader as it were), it's hard not to wonder why God could not also still be using me in the same capacity as before.

Are there seasons of doing God's will , and seasons of cheering for others? Or did the lack of church and regular worship put me in a distracted funk where I dedicate more focus to TV and video games than my previous theological pursuits?

I tend to thrive on church. And while these days that is somewhat taboo even among Christians (who worship Jesus, not the institution), I think their is validity in a personal relationship with Christ, which also retains an element of the community of believers that is His church. 

One thing I miss most about the past year is fellowship with other believers. It's not that I can't pick up my Bible or pray alone, but I learned this past year that the support of others doing the same thing with you can be quite uplifting.

I think that while I tend to be a loner in terms of socializing, the one area where that is not the case is within the body of believers. I seem to thrive on mutual support and encouragement. Does that mean I'm still insecure in my faith? Maybe a little.

I have yet to understand what it is to live fully for God. I have moments, even months sometimes where that is my primary focus. Other months, however I seem to be in good shape if I just manage my daily Bible reading (and I'm a month behind on that now). I know Christians still have day jobs. But could the pull to daily be focused on kingdom building be God pushing me to some kind of ministry? That's my only guess. Because as fulfilling as working a decent day job can be, I feel like is rather be working directly for God, building and preaching His kingdom.

But, I am a lowly sinner. How can one be called to something when as soon as the winds of change blow, they get sidetracked and unfocused? What is the purpose in my work schedule changing in such a way that for at least 3 months I've been without corporate worship? 

Back to the first question, Are we meant to seek out God's will? Or does it tend to actively find us? Could it be that because in all my past experiences God has dropped things in my lap, that when he lets me loose on my own to seek Him, I am unable? Does a child who has everything provided for then grow up knowing instinctively how to fend for himself, or is there a seeking element there? A learning process. Is it possible that while God loves to get the ball rolling (so to speak) with opportunity, we are meant to continually seek the growth and maintenance of said opportunity? Instead of sitting around waiting for God to throw the next bone, are we (in prayer) supposed to step out and seek His will as well? It would certainly be in keeping with His character. Growth through change (and sometimes trial) will teach us to stand firm with God when the winds of change, distraction or sin blow out way.

So, then, if the answer to the question appears to be a little of both, does it shift one way or another more in us individually? Am I given opportunity so that God can teach me that it is there and that I should seek His will daily whether or not he sets it out for me? And for someone like Juliet (hypothetically) is she already such a good seeker of God's will that the possibility for random blessing and opportunity is not needed? Or could it be that being a seeker and doer of God's will, she could always use a good dose of reliance and trust on Him as well. A reminder that while it is wise to seek God's will, we do nothing without trust in Him. Oddly, the seeker may be seeking the very thing that for the receiver God would simply place there to get the ball rolling.

So, for example, if God drops an opportunity to serve leading worship, or even missions, and I take it, and cherish the idea of it, but tend to be blown about by winds of change and distraction, God must place me in new situations where I need to be more active than passive. Does this mean that this past year I was being passive in the roles in whih I was placed?

Honestly, looking back, it is possible. It seemed to be God's will and became comfortable in it. But, could I have put more effort into the music? Could I have engaged more people to sign up for mission trips? Did my naturally tendency for procrastination simply manifest itself in God activities instead of Chris activities? Perhaps, though I confess I did put time and effort into both, maybe I did not put enough in to show I was a ready and willing servant. 

Now, laying here about to go to work tomorrow at a good job, but not a God job, I have to wonder of my current season is a product of my own doing? Like the benched player who did not put in enough effort to get on the field, I'm happy for the other players (Juliet) and support the "team" wholeheartedly in a victory, but being on the bench by one's own doing can sometimes still be painful. 

Is that what is going on? I'm not too sure. In September, one year after having the great opportunities to grow and lead, I sit at a crossroads. What if my distraction and laziness puts me back on the bench for another 6 months? I certainly haven't proved I can run with the ball being on the bench since April. Or, will God perhaps grant me, in His mercy, the chance to try again? To really, fully come into His ministry. Am I called to do so? Or am I meant to at least have days free to worship and commune with other believers while holding a regular day job?

I'm sure I could be fine either way. And if any of the events since April which caused me to not be able to go to church whatsoever were my own doing then I am sorry. If, however, they were a time to learn even the small kernel of truth this writing has brought to my mind- that we must actively seek God in every opportunity in which we find ourselves-, or to bring me back to remembrance of just how much I need God and fellowship with Him, then it will have been time well spent. 

But, please God let me get back in the "game" eventually. I'm thankful for Juliet and her chance to serve you, and I do not want my own ambitions for your will to take away from her ministry, but I too am ready to serve again. Where will you lead me? Am I to wait on you in trust, or would you have me seek out your will around me? Will it be a mix of both? Whatever the way, Your will be done! Amen

The Start of a New Chapter

Well it's been awhile since I've had anything to write. Honestly the past few months have been a blur of planning and the fruition of those plans.

Back in April (as I think I posted on a previous post) Juliet and I decided to buy an RV, downsize our lifestyle, and give her a chance to work for her dad in Mexico helping with Manos Juntas and the mission teams.

Up until June when we left the apartment, it was weird knowing that we had gone through with the RV purchase and had it stored and waiting. Throughout mid-May to this point things have been happening quite rapidly.

On an extremely positive note, Juliet's parents both got tourist visas and can now visit the states when they want. They came up for a visit the week we were moving out of the apartment to help out, and to see Austin for the first time. It had been I think 20 + years since her dad had been in the states, and close to the same for her mom. The fun of getting to take them on a "tour" of sorts like I had done 7 years ago with Juliet was a great experience all over again. We ate at a few select restaurants and saw some sights.

From the time Juliet went to Mexico to start helping out around May 16th, I had really only visited her twice prior to their June 9th visit. It had already become a situation where she really was in Mexico more than here. This was the plan so I had (and have) no issue with this. It's weird to sit back and remember though realizing she was gone a couple weeks when we hadn't been really apart since prior to being married in 2007. Most of our time has been spent together.

When they left after the June visit, my dad (in a pleasant turn of events) made a visit to see me (and her parents before they left), and also help some with the RV move. Though we spent most of the time moving the furniture to storage and installing a new fridge on the RV, the time felt very special to me. It has been awhile since just my dad and I have done any activity together the two of us. It was strenuous work, but I knew by time he was offering to patch up a part of the roof as well that he enjoyed the time as well, despite the hard work.

We managed to catch the last few innings of a baseball game to unwind, and I spent the night at his hotel room for one last glimpse of civilization before the final commitment of the RV living. By this time it was livable and ready to go.

Once he left, I had a normal 4 day work week in which I initially as dreading being alone again. One solid week of close family had warmed me back to the idea of the togetherness, and being on my own again seemed unappealing. My mom and Joe ended up moving back to Oklahoma that week; however, and in a nice surprise she stayed at the RV with me a couple nights while their RV was transported.

This represented really the last remnant of family nearby for what I knew would be a week or so at a time. It was a change that we had chosen, but that seemed all the more real the first night that I slept in the RV bed alone as Juliet lay in Mexico surround by her family. My family and come for a final visit in a way before heading back to Oklahoma.

That week went by well enough, and during this whole period of Juliet being gone, I had made a few trips to Mexico to visit and see her. There were probably only two full weeks that I've been totally by myself here.

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This past week, Juliet and I just got back from our 10 day anniversary vacation, and again the time spent immersed in family only made the upcoming days afterwards alone feel that much more quiet. I actually like being alone, and I typically can get a lot more done in terms of "Chris projects," that I always seem to have in endless supply. But, there are moments when I still miss company.

What occurs to me in the midst of all of this is that though our plan is playing out exactly as expected, when I think of what's on the horizon, for the first time in awhile I'm clueless. I have been working on Sundays since May and haven't been to church since Easter, which bums me out after having been active leading worship in one church on Saturdays and enjoying being in the congregation at our home church on Sundays. I was immersed in church life and now that I don't have it. I do miss it.

I'm praying my 4x10 shift which is great for visiting Mexico will somehow move to a Sun-Tues off schedule instead of its current Mon-Wed off.

This lack of fellowship which I had become so accustomed to only weighs on me in the quiet hours. I stay fairly occupied usually with TV and video games and the day-to-day of work. It's weird that when I am in town on one of my 3 days weekends if I really think about it, I don't think I speak more than two or three words out loud the whole time. Even running errands I rarely have to speak. I get to work on Thursday having been mostly alone with my thoughts for 3 days, and the first "Thank you for calling," is always raspy and new..as if I had gone without speaking for much longer than 3 days. I joke about that actually because it is weird to me, but in a way, something different about which to think.
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Going forward, Juliet and her dad will begin speaking to churches in the states to help the ministry in Mexico, and this means they will be up here more often than at present time. I've left the puppies with her in Mexico the last couple of weeks because we found out crossing them at the border is easier than expected, and I felt like she would like their company. Turns out I miss them more than I thought I would too. But when they're here, the extra work of walking them seems frustrating.

The point of this post, other than playing a bit of catch up with those who may still read it, is to simply state that I feel again somewhat stuck and unsure of what is next, but ultimately positive.

Juliet is confident God has plans in store for us, but I want to know that our RV plan was exactly where we needed things to go. People keep complimenting me on the "sacrifice" I am making to let Juliet fulfill her dream of working with the mission teams, but in reality, I don't feel like it's a sacrifice. I've been trying to find a way for her to do that again since the day we got married. She knows it's her calling, and the fact we can finally allow her to do that is a blessing to me, no matter how much we miss each other. Actually the absence makes our time together that much more special now. It's like dating again in a way because each moment together is more precious, as the time apart brings the longing that comes from early love. We were probably getting complacent in the relationship to a degree anyway, and this has added a renewed energy and spark.

I still don't know why I was given the opportunity to lead worship and pursue theological matters so fully, only to have the proverbial rug pulled from me when the work schedule changed on me, but I suppose the time will come to figure that out. Perhaps, as I had wanted for so long, this is Juliet's time to fulfill her calling. I have had so many opportunities to do so up to this point, it's time to let her have some time as well.

Honestly, at work I am performing better than ever being back on days and a consistent schedule, so I suppose in that respect things are going well.

And, we both love the RV. Well, I love it and Juliet said she likes it and is comfortable in it too. It's maximum usage of space without excess. It's comfortable living without waste, and that aspect of it is appealing. It feels like a preparation of sorts for future circumstances that might require being out of comfort zones. Maybe mission work, who knows?

In any case, that is the "news" and probably why I hadn't taken the time to post much lately. My theological interest in terms of study and growth may have waned a bit due to the lack of being around church as much, which always boosted my interest. God knows when the time will come to renew my energies on that front. For now, as before, I pray His will be done in both our lives as we begin this new, unfamiliar, but ultimately promising chapter of our marriage. And perhaps it's no coincidence that in the 7th year the major changes have come. The number "7" has played a big role since being married on 7/7/07. It's a year of change and growth, and I think we'll come out on the other side better for it.

Pray for us both as we seek God's will in all of this, and pray for our finances as we transition into a period of downsizing both on bills, but also on income. We are truly living within our means, and I would love the opportunity for the part of the plan to start setting money aside to come to fruition, but this transitional period is showing us that sometimes "just enough," is enough. A good lesson, and one I think we are happy to embrace at present time.

I will try to post more often as in previous months as I am led. Hopefully this keeps my main readers satisfied for present time.