FIRST THOUGHTS
Well, the year is a little over half way finished and thus far, it's been a rough one. I'll be honest about that. This year has given Juliet and me more trial than any year previously in our marriage. I sit here thinking about the various things that have happened, but for the first time, I actually feel optimistic. That seems odd to me and probably others, but let's see if I can break it down.
I'll try to address briefly the "troubles" we've run into, and why I think overcoming them and moving forward has ultimately been a good experience. This should end up being a positive blog, so stay tuned. It's a bit more personal than my usual theological ones, so everyone can buckle in for the ride.
TRIALS AND TROUBLES
The year began decent enough, but by mid January, Juliet was having to take FMLA and two weeks off work to stay with her mom who was having some medical issues. While getting her mom back on track was important to her, the event itself was a source of stress. But, on the positive side, she got some quality family time with just her and the family for the first time since we've been married. I got two weeks of eating like an idiot (see: Bachelor diet), and everybody won.
Things began to pick up when we discovered she was pregnant after getting back home. We were excited to be having our first child, and so most of February was actually quite nice. By the end, we took a lot of PTO and did what I called, "The Pregnancy Tour," in which we made a trip down to Mexico, and then straight back to Oklahoma, visiting all of the immediate families to share the good news.
Another unexpected positive note was my mom's decision to apply for an Austin job, and find out that not only would they hire her (after some months of unemployment due to layoff), but she would be making her same previous salary and have the same job as before. That was a blessing for her I'm sure, but we loved the idea of her and my stepdad Joe being closer too.
March started off great because mom was now close. We had weekly grilling dinners, and loved that family time.
Then, Juliet's birthday approached. She has had notoriously bad birthdays since I've known her. Something is always going wrong, and this one certainly took the cake. I won't go into it again, but those who haven't already can read all about it in my other blog post, "Joy Comes in the Mourning".
Following the miscarriage, we realized that we had only grown stronger in our relationship, and the sharing of the details of it (see above post), was a great way to open the topic and find out that many others had shared the same heartbreaking experience. Support poured in, and I culminated that tough week with my Baptism at our church in Leander, TX. The public expression of my faith in Christ, now that I understood what it really meant, was a great joy in the midst of the worst trial we have faced so far in our marriage.
As things began to get back to normal for us, my stepmom, Kristen, began having major medical issues of her own. She had been unwell since earlier in February, and even during our "pregnancy tour" she was feeling slightly under the weather. I got the texts from my dad discussing her being moved to ICU, and knew I had to help out however I could.
I called in for the week and got to Muskogee to help out with my younger brother Michael, so that my dad could be with Kristen during what was I'm sure a horrible time for her. They have both told me how much my visit helped, and that they were very thankful for it. So, in the midst of more trial, we grew closer to family and in the end, she recovered.
The pattern I notice here is that despite a trial coming, there is always some happiness that follows. I believe God can use trial in our lives to grow us spiritually. In the midst of struggle, we realize just how small we are, and learn to rely on God for our needs. It's a beautiful thing.
In the midst of all of the toughness of the year, Juliet and I were still doing ok at home in the day-to-day. Our schedules have never lined up much except for our days off (Sun/Mon) so we made use of that time as best we could. Sundays were filled with church (a good thing for us) and life group meetings, so we ended up with mostly Mondays for one-on-one time. Our weekly dinners with mom and Joe died down a little bit with schedule conflicts, but we still made an effort to meet up when we could.
I know now that for Juliet, the time I felt was making the year more positive, still held a weight for her. The miscarriage had been discussed and we had prayed together and moved forward, but as many people told me, it is often hardest for the woman in those instances to fully get beyond the pain. Because of my work schedule, I was sleeping an enormous amount of the week, so we really never had quality time to sit down and talk it out further. At this point, there are still things we could likely discuss, and as I'll show by the end of this writing, we've started implementing some great ideas to help that take place.
Throughout all of this I can say for sure that Sundays and church were a big part of what kept us going. That boost at the beginning of the week, and the fellowship, helped carry us on a positive note, even when the work week was less than perfect.
To sum up a bit, throughout this year there have been a lot of little inconveniences and problems as well, and because of the nature of the year up to those points, we have both been focusing a bit more on the negative.
The best example is yesterday, when Puggy got sick without warning. Since it could have been a number of things wrong, we had to opt for x-rays and various other vet expenses to get the peace of mind of having him healthy again. For those who don't know, our two puppies are probably our most treasured possessions (if we could even call them that) so any change in them, causes immediate stress in us. Somewhat like a mom and dad with a sick child I imagine.
Juliet has taken these little events much harder, and has pointed out that as soon as we seem to be making progress towards positive things, something negative jumps in and derails us temporarily. The word I'm hoping we can both focus on there is "temporarily."
POSITIVE CHANGES
We had a great relaxing weekend in Oklahoma for our anniversary. We got to spend time alone with my Dad, Kristen and Michael without having to rush back and forth across the state to split our time with my mom and Joe since they are now closer to us in Austin. We lounged by the pool, had an exquisite dinner, and just spent some quality time together.
On the Saturday night that we were there, my stepmom Kristen was talking to us until about 2 in the morning. Her advice and suggestions have been driving me towards a positive attitude the past 3 days of being back home because the ideas were things we hadn't really taken the time to think about to that point.
I know that over time these suggestions will help our lives tremendously and buy us much more valuable time together, even during busy weeks.
The first step she suggested was implementing a more strict sleeping schedule for me. I've basically turned into a sloth since beginning to work overnights, and my times of sleep were as unpredictable as my mood if I hadn't got enough (not crazy, but definitely some grumpy). This would cause Juliet to have to wonder each weeknight if we'd have any time together or if I'd just be back in bed sleeping until the minute I had to get up for work.
So Kristen suggested that no matter what during the week, I sleep no later than 9am, and wake up no later than 5pm. It's 8 hours of pure sleep, followed by 4 hours of quality time with Juliet before getting ready to go to work. On Sundays, we implement a strict nap for me after church, and try to keep at least a couple Sunday nights free during the month to stay up spending time together. We've had only 3 days so far to implement it, and the Puggy issue did almost derail it, but so far I've managed 9 or 9:15-5pm each day, and felt more refreshed and consistent. My nights at work have seemed more productive and my sales have improved a bit. Juliet and I get dinner together and time to take a walk, or even sit down for a viewing of our current favorite show, "Master Chef."
Her week has been more stressful thus far, so her view of this implementation is still somewhat of a mystery to me, but I know that having 40 hours a week with her now, versus the 12 hours we had figured prior, will eventually have a great impact.
We have re-designated cleaning tasks, and with some patience from her, I've managed to start doing quick scans for basic housework, instead of overloading myself with tasks she'd rather do herself. This allows me to get sleep on time as well, instead of doing chores to make up for not seeing her as much.
That's how I was doing it. On the weekends we'd go waste money at restaurants because I wanted to make up for not spending time with her during the week. Or, during the week I'd stay up until noon or later doing laundry and then have to sleep right up until 9pm to get my 8 hours in. Often I'd still sleep 10-12 hours a day just because I felt like I could.
The second half of our plan for growth is to really get on the same page financially and start eliminating our mountain of debt, so we can start having savings in place for emergencies like the couple that have happened already this year.
My dad gave me the book "Total Money Makeover," by Dave Ramsey, and so far I'm loving it. I can't wait for my next paycheck so I can start implementing the budget systems and getting rid of our debt. Kristen did a better job of explaining our finances to Juliet than I had ever done, and so she is finally on the same page as me. If we can buckle down, we'll take away yet another burden that constantly weighs on us.
GOING FORWARD
I know the rest of the year will have ups and downs. And I know every year will likely be the same. I am excited; however, because for the first time, we have some plans in place to really start keeping our day-to-day lives more positive and growing in our relationship. Next year will be the 7 year anniversary (married 7/7/7), and I'm so thankful for every moment so far I've got with her.
This blog, in a way, is written for her. I know right now that she is struggling with all of the issues that have happened this year. I know she feels further from God than before, though we are more active than ever in the church. My prayer is that she can sit back a moment and see the bigger perspective. I can't relieve her pain or hurt, only God can. But I pray that she begins to see the blessing that this year has really been on us. Our trials and troubles have only made us stronger, and given us resolve to really step up and make a positive change in our lives.
As we move forward we are mutually excited about a few upcoming possibilities. There is the prospect of her citizenship (once we get the $680 fee to apply). There are the mission trips to Mexico and India which we hope to attend at some point in the next year or so. There is prospect of a visit from my dad for Labor Day, and the fun things we can do then. Life is truly still a blessing. In the midst of the storm, it's hard to see land ahead. But, we sail on, trusting that God will carry our ship safely to shore. It's that trust in God, and in our relationship, that will ultimately help us arrive safely to the end of a rough year, and to instill in us the resolve to always carry on, even when things seem hard.
I love you Juliet, hang in there, we'll make it through ok.
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I wrote this song in one of the first years of our marriage, and she tells me it's her favorite. I think it's quite fitting for this topic.
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