What to say, what to say? It's been hard sitting down to write for quite some time now. Some of it has to do with this mostly being a spiritual blog, while I have been going through a spiritual dry season for over a year. Some of it's lack of motivation, or just lack of any new insight worth sharing.
It's a case of unwanted writer's block. I want to sit down and write, but I have trouble eliminating other distractions long enough to sit and do it. I'd love to write a novel, or a Christian non-fiction book (which I have actually started and never finished), but it's just an investment of time that gets eaten up by reality TV, and other obligations.
Try as I might, I can't seem to fight the apathy towards accomplishing what I want to do. Some of it may be the depression (and a newly discovered case of severe anxiety), but I don't want to blame that for everything, as it's also my fault for not pushing myself.
I've had a month away from work to get better, adjust to new medicines, and what I had hoped would be time used to accomplish some things. As it stands, I've done little other than binge watch TV in my free time. I suppose that's alright in the sense that it made me feel happy/satisfied for a period of time, and in that way helped me focus on something besides my anxiety/depression. The new medicines seem to have kicked in well now, and I'm sure I'll be ready for work next week when I go back. Or, I hope I will.
It's hard to say how I'll react in any situation before I get into that situation. The anxiety that Hannah's ER visit in April brought me, has been a thorn in my side for months now. It's only recently (with help of the meds) begun to dissipate in a way that I can functionally interact with Hannah without being worried every second she's going to have another seizure, or choke on something. If that's all I gain from a month away from work, it's worth it, as interacting with her is as pleasure, and the anxiety was keeping me from enjoying the moment with her.
We've done some swimming lessons, gone on a few walks, been to the park (before it got so hot outside), and stuck to our normal routine, but I've felt less worried and more present for each of these things, than I did prior to taking new medicine, and taking some leave from work. It helps to be able to have full focus directed at battling the anxiety, instead of spending time working and worrying, which was a bad combination.
It had got to the point I couldn't sit at my desk and work without worrying if something was wrong with Hannah in the next room. I watched her nanny cam feed constantly, and worried if she so much as coughed or moved weird. This was what the worst of the anxiety was doing to me, and it was the first time in my life I've experienced that.
Depression was my battle, even as recently as my previous blog post. The anxiety is a new beast, that thankfully is being fought off well pharmaceutically.
Though, in my heart, I wish I was fighting it off spiritually as well. I've reached a block where even sitting for 30 minutes and reading the Bible is a chore. In 2012/2013 you couldn't tear me away from reading and studying the Word, so it's an odd change of events. Thankfully, Juliet has found her stride spiritually, and I am able to glean bits and pieces from her new found spiritual focus. But, she's still completing Bible plans while I'm watching the latest episode of "Below Deck," so there is room for growth.
Part of me is tempted to release a bit of what I've written for my book idea, to get feedback, and some constructive critique to help motivate me to get back in pursuit. But, in the past when I've tried this, people have not bothered to read it. Maybe if I post it here (and pray no one steals it), I'll get more solid feedback. That sounds more and more like a good idea.
The general concept is "A Dangerous Faith" and discusses things that Christians could fall into like hypocrisy, backsliding, or fighting with other Christians. Each chapter (Or pamphlet as they may turn out), is the "Danger of ____". My most complete work so far is the "Danger of Hypocrisy", so I may post it for viewing soon. I think that, more than anything would help motivate me.
So, stay tuned I suppose, for an excerpt or two from my writings that are separate from the blog.
Appreciate the readership, check out past blog posts for a more insightful version of myself back when I was writing almost daily, and really churning out the spiritual insight.
-Chris
