A Lack of Spiritual Focus

2012 was my year of true spiritual discipline and study. It seems to have gradually fallen away into the background more and more since then.

I was telling Juliet that I always seem to do things in phases. I'll have a video game phase for 6 months or so where my main point of excitement is from games. Or, I might have a songwriting phase, where most of my free time is invested in writing and performing.

My concern, as I expressed to her, was that spiritual discipline was becoming just another of my phases of which I drift in and out. Understandably, this is not an ideal spot in which to be for one claiming to follow Christ.

Now, I will say that I have not floundered my core belief. I still do my best to lead worship at Amen Austin on Saturdays when I am in town and able. Yet, I feel deep down, the hunger for God's word, and even for studying things of a theological nature has been waning more in the past couple of years. It seems I always hit a spiritual high point, some instance or activity that really tells me I'm headed the right way, and then somehow, it just derails.

For example, sometime back in 2012 (+ or - 1 year for lack of exact memory), I was really studying theology. I had even planned out a book that I was going to begin writing. I had a chance to co-lead a seminar with my pastor friend, and overall, most of my free time was dedicated to studying the Bible and theological resources. And, it was my desire to do so. I had an unquenchable hunger to dig deeper into the faith which I claimed. I wanted to know why I believe what I believe. I wanted, as Peter said, to be able to give an answer as to the hope I have (1 Peter 3:15).

Then, maybe a week after helping with the seminar, the interest began to fade. It was still there, but it became more gradually replaced with other interests and activities.

As things stand right now, I have my areas of interest and focus split, and unfortunately, theological study has become less of a priority.

I don't believe that having other actives and interests is inherently a bad thing. The time I am investing currently into music for example, is time spent investing in one of my God-given talents. I think there is a purpose within it which has yet to be revealed. So, my focus there continues. It is also something about which I am passionate. And, since I do still try my best to lead music at Amen Austin on Saturdays, investing in musical performance and skill helps on that front. The more disciplined I become practicing and honing my craft, the better it will be for both the secular and spiritual environments in which I find myself.

Part of my loss of focus spiritually came last year (or was it 2 years ago) around this time when I stopped working on the overnight shift, and my days off got swapped around. Instead of having a Saturday/Sunday off schedule, I ended up having to work a day shift with no Sundays off. This prevented us from attending our home church in Leander, where I was receiving a lot of good teaching that was helping me to keep focused on my study.

Thankfully, I was able to lead music for Pastor Matt's church on Saturdays and still maintain some spiritual focus.

My work shift is changing yet again in two weeks, and now I will be off Friday/Saturday, but work 3pm-midnight Sunday-Thurs. The benefit will be having Sunday mornings free again for our home church. The biggest drawback is that the open mic nights in which I have become so invested, are all on weekday nights, and I will now be working.

So, I can't help but wonder from a Spiritual perspective, if this shift in time slots is to allow more focus on church and spiritual discipline. I've invested more time playing music and performing in the past two months with open mic nights than  I have dedicated to any sort of spiritual study in the past year.

As Christians, are we supposed to dedicate every waking hour to spiritual discipline and study? Or, are some set apart with that gifting, while others manifest their faith through other means?

I don't know that I have an answer. Honestly, I don't know that in terms of writing I've even dedicated enough focus lately for this post to have a point. I look back on some previous posts when I was really dedicated to writing, and they seem a lot more thought out than the more recent ones.

Maybe I'm just over-analyzing small things again. I think the opportunity for a Sunday service again, and the chance to maybe book some Friday night gigs in the upcoming weeks though some of the great people I've met during the open mic nights will allow for plenty of balance.

I'm sure the other Christian brothers and sisters around me could stand to invest a bit more time in the faith, just as I could. There are so many distractions and activities in this world to eat up our time. Some days I wish I was retired already so I could invest my days in reading and studying and growing. But, that type of thinking is probably more excuse than anything.

With a work shift starting at 3pm, I should have enough time to dedicate to God, exercise and anything else I'm looking to accomplish. Here's hoping for a better balance going forward.