Missing Motivation

 Where do we get the energy to move through our daily lives? What motivates us? 

I've been in a season now for a little over 3 years, experiencing this lack of motivation. I can trace it back to a few things, though they would come off more as excuses. I've known what is required of me and neglected it in favor of other interests. 

I want to blame the loss of my mom in 2020, but that's not the only reason. That kicked it off, but there are a multitude of other things that have caused me to drift away from my focus. Losing my mom, disappointment with the response to my book, a big move to another state away from an established church family, and others I'm sure. 

When "A Dangerous Faith" was finally released in 2021, I was super excited to share it with the world. But, almost immediately after friends and family saw it and got their copies, I lost all motivation to market it. It wasn't supposed to be about money, and I certainly never made back what I invested into it, but part of me felt like it didn't have the impact I expected either. 

This is likely because my motivations had shifted by that time. We can tell ourselves over and over we're writing for God, that our only motivation is for others to hear His word through our medium of writing. But, how do we silence that little voice that still sneaks in and tries to convince us we should be getting more attention from it? Or, being able to make a living from it? 

It's about God, not me, so why did I feel some regret that people didn't acknowledge it as much as expected? Why did I let jealousy at others' accomplishments sneak in at that same time, and hinder my motivation to pursue God's purpose for me specifically? My purpose was not likely the same as others, but when I saw others do similar writing, and have almost immediate success, the nagging, sinful voice of "Why can't that be me?" kept coming to me.

To avoid that feeling, I shut it down completely. I still have some of the original copies I had ordered, and I've not gone back and reread it now since the release. I know the message I wanted to convey, or rather that God wanted to convey through me, is there. But, it has become something I don't want to touch because of the fear that the jealousy or pang of somehow missing out on more attention from it will come back. It wasn't supposed to be about recognition or money. 

As what was likely a combo of massive grief about mom's loss, and this disappointment with the book release, I entered a spiritual dry season that should really not be the go-to position of a professing Christian. I fell into some of the very dangers I spoke about in the book. That in and of itself isn't all that unusual, since the point of the book was that even when we are fully focused on Christ, these dangers can still trip us up. But, it feels more poignant that after living and breathing those thoughts for years and putting that writing together to be a help to others, I almost immediately fell into the trap of some of them.

My focus shifted, and my free time was put towards video games, television, movies, and for a brief moment last year, recording some music. Much like the book, though, when the music didn't get the recognition I wanted, I lost motivation to keep pursuing it as well. It's easier to play video games and feel immediately successful than to have to actually accomplish something tangible that may or may not have success at all. 

It's a lesson I'm learning. I'm trying to get shifted back into spiritual gear. We have a home church now in Weslaco, so I'm getting some of that consistency back. The pandemic hurt because online services just don't have the same effect on me. I need that presence in the building around other believers, and for well over a year, I didn't have that. 

For the past few months, I've been hyper-focused on helping Hannah get over some fears about school and going out of the house. Though we finally reached success with that, I realized afterward in hyper-focusing on her, I had neglected Juliet and other things that needed attention. This apparently is an ADHD symptom, the hyper-focusing, that I just learned about. 

In fact, without trying to blame ADHD symptoms for this whole thing, it turns out quite a bit of my difficulty in motivating myself, or in getting too focused on one thing at the expense of other things, is directly tied to that. I'm trying to get some strategies together to help me mentally address it, and work around the hinderance of it. Or, to find a way to use it productively, like a superpower. But, so far, I've not quite made it to that point. 

Along with all of these internal feelings of guilt and unmotivated spiritual laziness, Juliet has gone through some terrible loss with her family that I wasn't initially invested in enough to support her how I should have. 

This theme of me not stepping up as the Biblical leader of our household is reoccurring, and a constant source of shame for me. Though it may seem like I avoid this role, or am not aware I should be doing it, I'm actually so aware that I've psyched myself out of easily stepping into it. 

So, I need to get my act in gear with God, family, finances, and just about every other aspect of life. Oddly enough my job is about the only consistent thing I'm doing well at the moment. And, while I enjoy that, work is not the thing I want to be the main priority in life. 

Basically, I'm now good at my job and video games. Anything else I have a talent for, I can't get the motivation to pursue. Music, writing, leading the house, whatever else. 

So, with this bit of venting, I acknowledge that I'm now aware (painfully so) of changes that may need to happen. I learned at work about setting realistic goals, and am trying to implement more of a baby-step approach with everything. I'm hoping with a few roadmaps like that to guide me, and get back into the right place spiritually, I can begin to get us back to the point we were in 2019, which was the height of our spiritual maturity and engagement. 

Keep me in your thoughts and prayers so I can get back on track, and find/fulfill my God-given purpose.